Winter has well and truly come, and yet the Starks (or what is left of them) are still nowhere to be seen. Today it was announced we must wait until April (APRIL?!) for word of Westeros, and, as someone who is proud of owning a Khaleesi action-figure and wig, I find this unacceptable. We know all MEN must die, but what about the women? Where will Arya go? What havoc will a newly badass Sansa wreak from her perch atop the Eyrie? And, Volar Morghulis or not, I am very relieved that Tyrion escaped the chop and would quite like the situation to remain that way thank you very much.
To fill the void in my life until we are reunited with our favourite dwarf and bastards both good and bad, I will rank the top three most heart-wrenching moments against the most jump-for joy (we all do it) moments, for your reading pleasure:
THE VERY VERY BAD
3. When little Theon said bye-bye
Now I had no particularly love for the turncoat myself, but no-one (barring perhaps the late King Joffrey) deserves this kind of treatment. The mind-games, flaying and bog standard torture was bad enough, but arousing him with his creepy harem only to to dismember him crossed the line. Ramsey, you need help. Mostly to be killed painfully, but also help. For, you know, the whole sadism thing. It has bad karma. And was there a suggestion he ate it afterwards?! I think there was. And we got upset over horse meat….
2.Ned the beheaded
I was thinking dream sequence. Magic trick. Visions from some high priestess or other. But no! George R R Martin really is THAT cruel. Create a world with only one honorable man, make the people love him, then kill him at the end of season one. Yes, I know he was played by Sean Bean, and I should have seen it coming, but STILL.
1.The worst wedding ever
The big one. The red wedding. Now I came to the series late, so had already heard this episode whispered of in hushed tones on the web, but I was ill prepared for the sheer horror of the event itself. I had guessed that the butter-wouldn’t-melt wife would die. Calling your unborn child Ned is just another way to sign your death warrant. And I didn’t like Robb’s chances either, having broken his word, lost half his army etc etc. But Cat? WHY MARTIN, WHY?! Her face as her throat was cut will haunt me for eternity. Cheers, HBO.
THE VERY VERY GOOD
3. He really likes chicken.
Arya and the Hound must be the best double act in the history of the seven kingdoms. She goes psycho and gets back her needle. He kills a lot of people who were standing in the way of his meat. Then she rides into the sunset on her new pilfered pony. Every little girl’s dream, right?
2. The little dwarf that could
There are so many Tyrion moments that I could put here. Any time he slapped Joffrey would rank highly. Ditto the many times he dueled with Cersai’s wit and won, putting rage on that beautifully cheekboned face. But the Tyrion moments that made me cheer most were when he killed his father (how very Oedipus of him) and when he led the battle of Blackwater. Not even Charles Dance’s dulcet tones could save him from Tyrion’s wrath as he sat astride the privy, and his speech to the troops had me jumping up and down on the sofa. He should probably refrain from doing it again though, as I quite like my sofa, and would rather it didn’t break.
Don’t mess with Mother of Dragons. Before the girl on fire there was the girl who could set you on fire. Dani uttered a single world and destroyed a slave nation, gave her dragons a bit of practice, and gained an army. The coolest Khaleesi in town. But is she the next Queen of the seven Kingdoms? We will get no word for months. Damn you scheduling gods!