GAME OF THRONES- SEASON 5 TRAILER DIGESTED

0.00-0.10 “Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the ones you love” laments Brienne wretchedly on the soundtrack. No sign of the embodiment of girl power though, but a loaded candlelit stare-off between the dysfunctional Lannister lovers. Is Brienne still mourning Cat, or someone else? And is the incest thing REALLY still going?!

0.10-0.20 The Stockholm syndrome May-December romance that is Sansa and Petyr. He tells her to make her own justice. Time for Sansa to go all Arya on their asses I hope. Also our first glimpse of the late great Oberyn’s home- and its just as I dreamed it, sand, whips and lots of his illegitimate children (all beautiful women obviously). Gold masks and destruction in Mereen – book readers know why. Its gonna be beautiful. And bloody. So a standard episode.

0.20-0.30 Margery is hoping its third time lucky- hold your breath Tommen, weddings get messy. Who is the mystery blonde pricking her finger? Myrcella? Luckily no spinning wheels- not a ‘Once Upon a Time’ crossover as yet. Varys is educating a newly rugged Tyrion. Dwarf crush moment. He says he will never sit on the throne. Probably uncomfortable Tyrion, you’re well out of it.

030-0.40 Lots of dark angst shots here against the fab soundtrack. Cersai has taken to glowering at candles (well she does look damn good doing it). Jon Snow posing powerfully, and some horses which George RR Martin will be happy about (he has frequently lamented the lack of the expensive beasties)

0.40-0.50 KICK ASS KHALEESI ALERT! “I’m not going to stop the wheel. I’m going to BREAK the wheel.” Yes. Yes you will. And your hair will be magnificent while you do it. Also interesting shot of two girls hand in hand in darkened woods (really, I promise, this isn’t Once Upon a Time) Could this be young Cersai?

0.50-1.00 Ooooooh Jorah- see Dani, you can break his heart, but you don’t get to break mine, I will once again listen to his dulcet tones. He is battling though, so hold your breath. Cersai is bitching about Tyrion. Again. Tyrion says he doubts he is ready for what he deserves. Another Emmy?

1.00-1.20 Jon Snow is marshalling the troops again- this is good, he is a lot less annoying when he gets to play soldier. Diana Rigg is issuing a warning (I’d listen, she’s a pretty respected actress). Bloody warning scrawled by the golden masks now, as a voice (which I suspect belongs to the High Sparrow) talks of knocking down statues- Westerosi reform? And Arya- yes finally Arya- knocks on a door and lifts needle into the air- what? No more Arya?! Damn you HBO.

1.20-1.30 BEST LINE ALERT “The seven Kingdoms needs a ruler loved by millions with a powerful army and the right family name” “Good luck finding him” “Who said anything about him” . Cut to Dani and dragon fire. Well said Varys, the first Westerosi feminist.

1.30-2.00 Its the quick fire scenes round including sex, violence, destruction and…ravens. A statue topples in Mereen, Melissandre is stripping yet again (the Lord of Light must have that in her contract), and…was that a sex scene involving Missandei? Please say the man’s Grey Worm….though is that even possible? And we are getting the impression that these gold masked guys are actually pretty evil. Like, Joffrey evil.

2.00-2.05 And we end on the note that all will be revealed…in April. APRIL! HBO you big thrones-tease.

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