GAME OF THRONES- SEASON 5 EPISODE 3- HIGH SPARROW

Roll up roll up, come witness the creepiest wedding the seven kingdoms have ever seen. Yes the Tyrell rose has finally wed the Barratheon (*cough* Lannister *cough*) king, who just happens to look about twelve, but hey, no biggie, let the kid consummate his marriage.

As well as assuring her place on some criminal register or other, Margaery is busy baiting Cersai, obviously the fact that lionesses have claws having slipped her mind during all the child marrying.

We will soon have another wedding to cringe away from as Sansa looks set to wed. Again. To whom? Why yet another misogynistic sadist that’s who. Miss Stark, there is having a type, and there is courting death. I have never been more horrified during an episode (excluding dead Ned and weddings red). My only hope for the psycho magnet is that she slits his throat on the wedding night- surely Bolton blood would be a welcome addition to the resurrected Winterfell?

As expected the death tally shows no sign of slowing this season- this time the execution is handled by Jon Snow, who in his new role as Commander punishes the disobedient Slynt in a scene which harks back to the first episode of the saga- just like Ned, Jon wields the blade himself once judgement is passed. No uprising mobs at the Watch though, take note Daneryes- military rule is only suited for the military.

As for Arya, it seems Jaquen is hell bent on turning our little Stark into a Bravosi Cinderella- he’s got her sweeping the floors and throwing away her treasures. If your heart didn’t melt as Maisie held needle over the waters edge teetering on the brink of discarding her very soul then you should be keeping Ramsey company. Clever girl hides the blade, and with it safely stowed and the bodies of the temple dead before her, asks the most ominous question of the night: “What do we do with them after we wash them?”

This episode marks a return and a debut- the High Sparrow is revealed, and appears more regal in rags than the last three kings of the iron throne. Margaery plays with Cersai, Cersai plays with sparrows, and the sparrows play with us all from their lofty perch. If this fraternisation with the clergy ends in fisticuffs (and it totally will) I’m betting on the clergy and hiding far far from Jonathan Pryce’s piercing gaze.

Tyrion continues to entertain and manages to nail the art of comedy through sheer repetition ingeniously. Who knew “I have to get out of this wheelhouse” had such comedic potential? Suffice to say he does indeed get out of said wheelhouse and into the arms (and ropes) of…JORAH! Be still my beating heart. And so a new double act is born- Jorah and Tyrion on the road- my dreams have truly been realised…so long as HBO does’t slaughter them both….and that’s pretty unlikely right? Right? RIGHT?!

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