OK confession – I didn’t even know season 5 had started. I know. But before you go judging my ignorance I have MADE IT RIGHT. I watched the first three episodes back to back and recorded ALL of my thoughts. 59 of them in fact.
*here be spoilers girlies*
1.(Episode 1) No idea who Hannah’s boyfriend is.
2.Either I’m suffering from memory loss or…
3.…oh no one knows who he is. that’s okay then.
4.Marnie is the definition of bridezilla.
6.And Hannah is possibly the worst bridesmaid of all time.
7.How come everyone has gone blonde.
8.Devi has been engaged more times than a celebrity.
9.Recycled ring? New low.
10.I hope Marnie’s mum pays her therapy bill.
11.Marnie’s mum actually explains Marnie.
12.So are Adam and Jessa together?
13.Or aren’t they?
14.It’s less of a bad idea than Marnie and Devi…but still pretty weird.
15.Cos he should be with Hannah.
16.And not this weird interloper guy.
17.I think if I had that hair and make up women at my wedding I would kill her.
18.Actually kill her dead.
19.‘You look like a starbucks cup’ is possibly the best insult ever.
20.(Episode 2) Ewwww Hannah and Elijah. Nok ok.
21‘Fuck agave’- legendary line.
22.Really loving Jessa’s hair.
23.‘You’re hiding behind your accent’ wow, an ability I didn’t know existed.
24.WOW the Helvetica crew have issues.
25.Oh okay, well the whole fairground montage is making the whole Jess / Adam thing look sweet.
27.Or is it just that Jess is the least annoying of the girls? Probably. She’s the only one I don’t regularly want to shake.
28I kind of feel for Hannah regarding the gay dad crisis.
30.You can kind of see why she has trouble.
31.Wow divorce via daughter.
32.So Hannah’s parents also should pay HER therapy bill.
34.Dog AND shoe discount! The man is a catch.
35.‘I would destroy you’ wow. Jessa is the definitive cool girl.
36.Surely the poor dead fish at least deserves a burial.
37.Eeeew, really, really not good to watch.
38.Just be a couple okay, it would be less awkward.
39.Ooooh the guy from House of Cards.
40.The one who died.
41.And is also rather handsome.
42.(Episode 3) Shoshannah’s Japan is like a kids TV show.
43.Eeeew, Fran gets off to his exes?
44.Ouch too goofy to get off to? No. Get rid of him. Now.
45.Awww Shosanna’s Japanese love story is sweet.
46.Marnie chilled out is confusing.
47.The expression ‘getting your panties in a bunch’ is very offensive.
48.I do like the idea that fat deposits are interesting.
49.Lucy Liu! Nice cameo.
50.Sad Shoshanna is heart wrenching.
51.I’m starting to think maybe she has always been Japanese and we just never noticed.
52.Although having a secret nationality is no excuse for cheating.
53.Neither is all the epic kinkiness.
54.But of course it happens anyway.
55.For the record, Hannah, I agree with you about the whole home-made ex porn thing.
56.Although, deleting them probably won’t go unnoticed.
57.Aww poor Shosh’s ex who I can’t remember the name of.