Cersei

85 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILST DEVOURING THE GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 FINALE

1. I never get tired of seeing the Stark banner over Winterfell
2. Please don’t let the Stark sisters kill each other.
3. The juxtaposition of unsullied alongside Dothraki is pleasing
4. Tyrion on Kings Landing’: ‘the brothels are far superior’ season 1 flashbacks.
5. The Hound baiting the trapped ice zombie is giving me Walking Dead vibes
6. A dragon arena? Why have we never heard of this before?
7. Presumably because there were no more dragons.
8. Now only 2 *sob*
9. A Tyrion, Pod and Bronn reunion!


10. And Brienne and The Hound! All the feels. Look at them discussing Arya like proud parents.
11. Oooh will Bronn defect to Tyrion, or is he all brotherly with Jamie now?
12. They are all in one place and my brain can’t cope
13. So why isn’t Dany here? Sorry – Daenerys.
14. Is she still mourning Viscerion? I know I am.
15. Cleganebowl teaser: ‘ you know who’s coming for you, you’ve always known’. Grab some chicken people.
16. DRAGON ALERT!
17. Just in case they forgot who she was and all. Dragon Queen, Mother of Dragons etc etc.
18. Cersei’s expression is pricesless – they’ve lost before they have even begun
19. Dany’s hair is intricately on point as always this season.
20. ‘My apologies’ translation: ‘I have never been less sorry’


21. Euron stop interrupting – he is the rude drunk uncle at a family gathering who everyone pretends not to know.
22 ‘We are a group of people who does not like one another’ understatement of the year.
23. Jon really has improved his public speaking.
24. Enter the Hound with an early christmas present for them all this winter…
25. Why isn’t it moving? They don’t die surely?
26. There we go – zombie city
27. Even Jamie froze at the monster made flesh. Rotting flesh but still.
28. Of course Qyburn wants an undead hand.
29. Cersei is just letting Euron run away scared? WHAAAT?
30.She’s agreeing to a truce? That easily?
31. No, of course not. Trying to force Jon to be neutral. Good luck with that.
32. ‘I ask it only of Ned Stark’s son’ Yep just namedrop the father you murdered.
33. Plus he ISN’T Ned’s son, but I digress…


34.’I cannot serve two queens ‘ you tell her Jon. Daenerys looks equally frustrated and adoring.
35. ‘Have you every considered learning how to lie? Oh Tyrion its like you don’t know Jon at all
36. ‘When enough people make false promised word’s stop meaning anything’ Well said Jon. You listening Donald?
37.. Is Tyrion going to trade his life for their allegiance? By the old gods and the new I hope not.
38.’ I don’t want to destroy our family I never have’ really Tyrion? Because your new queen might have something to say about that.
39. ‘Put an end to me’ you are standing in front of your murderous sister asking her to kill you, really not a great plan…
40.The axe does not fall. Does she hate him less that we thought?
41. They do both share a love of wine


42. And so Cersei’s pregnancy is discovered. That must be why she didn’t touch the wine
43. Jon and Dany are falling more in love with every passing second: ’has it occurred to you she might not have been a reliable source of information’ the witch who murdered my husband? Nah she seems legit. Good point Snow, good point.
44. ‘I will march my armies North to fight alongside you’ surely not? I know she wants her unborn child to live, but this is a rather pleasant outcome considering,well, her.
45. Back at Winterfell Littlefinger is breeding more discontent
46. Oh Sansa don’t fall for it. He wants you alone and unprotected. To use your pain for his advantage
47. However I do believe that Arya could kill Sansa. She has threatened as much after all.
48. Arya never wanted to be ‘Lady of Winterfell’ that I do know. However she is perfectly capable of killing a sister she believes ‘betrayed’ the family. judgemental much little Stark? #teamsansa


49. I love seeing Jon and Daenerys working together, it gives me goosebumps: ‘I am not coming to conquer the north, I am coming to save the north’.
50. Oh poor Theon, what a miracle you are still alive
51 ‘You always knew what was right’ and just like that he and Jon are brothers back at Winterfell. My heart is sore
52. ‘You’re a Greyjoy, and your a Stark’ WILL. NOT. CRY.
53. Theon is finding the hero’s clothes rather suit him after all.
54. His grin when the insubordinate sailor fails to knee him in his (non-existent) manhood is a beautiful, blood-covered picture.
55. Sansa is brooding back in the north. This can’t be good. Please don’t let the sisters kill each other Please please please.
56. ‘How do you answer these charges…LORD BAELISH!!!!!’
57. Can’t type – doing a happy dance!!! YES YES YES YES.
58. Did I mention YES.


59. ‘Which charges confuse you’ Sansa is FIERCE
60. ‘None of your were there’ – are we forgetting the three eyed raven formerly known as Bran?
61. I’m so happy right now I even like Bran
62. The student has become the master ‘ sometimes I play a little game…I’m a slow learner, but I learn.’
63. Killed with his own dagger. Revenge is sweet. Helps to have an assassin as a sister and an all-seeing brother.
64. Ah so Cersei’s true colours are revealed once more. No deal. Just more lies. Should have known.
65. ‘Let the monsters kill each other’ including you Cersei?
66. She has bought mercenaries with ELEPHANTS? I look forward to seeing that
67. Euron DIDN’T flee? Curveball.
68. She is threatening to kill JAMIE? She really has gone mad.


69. And so the Oathkeeper finally leaves his Queen Well done Jamie. Well done.
70. Sam finally returned North.
71. Sam is all of us in this moment: ‘I remember everything’ *smiles nicely and pretends to understand*
72. And now the true parentage is finally said OUT LOUD.
73. R+L=J
74. You wouldn’t be forgetting who drew your attention to this secret marriage of Jon’s parents which changes everything, would you Sam? WOULD YOU?
75.. We know the truth Gilly
76. Shame Rhaegar has Viscerys wig, but otherwise a beautiful wedding
77. Jon’s name is AEGON????
78.. This is a lot to take in, especially while watching him make love to his aunt


79. I can’t help but be pleased for them. Is that wrong?
80. Of course we can’t end happily, so we return to Eastwatch.
81. The dead have come. And they brought a dragon
82. Oh Viscerion how you’ve changed. *cries into laptop*


83. RUN TORMUND RUN
84. The wall has fallen, and the dead march on. Roll on Season 8. VALAR MORGHULIS
85. But if Dany dies we riot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 – THE GOOD AND THE BAD – FROM ARYA TO TYRION

We are now halfway through Season 7 (where did the weeks go?), and so the time is ripe for a recap. Read on for the best and worst the season has offered so far to our friends (and enemies) in the seven kingdoms.

 

Arya

THE GOOD
The best season opener BY A MILE. Wiping the Freys off the Westerosi map once and for all was a long awaited masterstroke.

THE BAD
That Ed Sheeran scene was just embarrasing.

 

Bran

THE GOOD
Not applicable. Does not compute. Although if he keeps making Littlefinger freak out I may change my mind.

THE BAD
No remorse for killing Hodor and Summer, no real gratitude to Meera for dragging him home nearly single-handed…Oh and then once emo Bran re-entered his childhood halls he reminded his long lost sister of that time she was raped. Someone needs a lesson in brotherly love (not from Jaime though).

 

Brienne

THE GOOD
That battle with Arya! The Westerosi women are FIERCE.

THE BAD
Not enough of her so far, More of the lady knight please!

 

Cersei

THE GOOD
She has a brand new black-centric wardrobe and excellent taste in floor murals.

THE BAD
She has gone FULL DISNEY VILLAIN. So far she has killed three main characters and betrothed herself to a crazed pirate king, But she does it all with such style…

 

Daenerys

THE GOOD
She. Has, Finally. Reached. Westeros!
She has met Jon Snow!
THAT Dragon battle!

THE BAD
She has lost pretty must all of her allies, and Mr Snow is not keen on knee bending. Plus her Targaryen fierceness could very easily become despotic behaviour…don’t fly to the dark side Khaleesi!

 

Davos

THE GOOD
He seems pretty happy with his new King. He even cracked a grammar joke – Stannis would be proud.

THE BAD
While I like to see the Onion Knight smiling for a change, I kind of miss gruff Davos. Is that wrong? Plus he seriously needs to work on his King’s introduction.

 

Jaime

THE GOOD
Apart from Bronn’s friendship (which he pays for) and the occasional night with his sister (ew) Jaime’s life is spiralling in a downward direction what with his children’s murders, sister’s madness, kingdom at war etc…

THE BAD
Finding out his sister framed his brother.
And trying to kill the mother of dragons in front of her FULLY GROWN DRAGON. Smart Jamie. Really smart.

 

Jon

THE GOOD
He is still the King in the North and he hasn’t died (again). Plus Dani allowed him to mine for dragonglass, which makes him ever so slightly more prepared for impending doom.

THE BAD
Aforementioned impending doom in the form of white walkers.
Plus he and Sansa aren’t exactly best friends.
Oh, and the Mother of Dragons is insisting he BEND THE KNEE.
A walk in the park, eh Jon?

 

Sansa

THE GOOD
Jon left her in charge of Winterfell – finally Sansa has some power!
And she is proving a dab hand at performing her duties as Lady Stark.
And let’s not forget the STARK REUNION.
THERE ARE THREE STARKS IN WINTERFELL!!!! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART

THE BAD
Littlefinger.
And that reunion with Bran was pretty traumatic, making her relive her wedding night rape. Screw you Bran.
Finally there is the rather irksome point that one sibling is king in the north, one is a ninja warrior and one is a psychic-raven-thing. Sibling rivalry is tough.

 

Tyrion

THE GOOD
He is the Hand of the Queen! And the reunion with Jon was a thing of beauty.

THE BAD
Alllll of his plans have gone wrong. Ooops.

 

To end on a bright note, we can all now look forward to a sand snake free season – so that’s a relied for everyone right?

VALAR MORGHULIS.

CERSEI’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS

Rally the realm – only one week to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

 

Here are CERSEI LANNISTER’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6

YES most of these are from the final episode. NO I have no SHAME (nudge nudge) because that episode was EPIC for the Lannister Lioness.

 

CERSEI CHOOSES

After the events of of last season she – wisely – decides to stay the hell away from the sparrow and his minions, and enlists her handy friend Franken-Mountain to really hammer the point home – the lady is not for shaming.

CERSEI HAS A CUNNING PLAN

Tommen really is a brat. He has everything, fights for nothing, then turns on his – admittedly difficult – mother by outlawing her one viable escape from the sparrows – SHAME TOMMEN. Luckily Cersei isn’t out of of options because unlike Tommen she has a mind of her own. A rather bloodthirsty one, perhaps, but still.

CERSEI PLAYS WITH FIRE

RIP Margaery…and HALF THE CITY. If at first you don’t succeed – bring the house down. Apparently. The music and direction of this sequence is stunning. They say Nero drank while Rome burned – you a fan Ms Lannister?

CERSEI > SHAME

I would feel sorry for the Septa, were it not patently obvious she enjoys tormenting her ‘sinful charges’. As it is I’m rather team Cersei on this one. Though I would be the first to scream if left in a room with the zombie Mountain from the black lagoon. What is under that helmet? Do we want to know? Probably not.

CERSEI RULES OK?

She has no more children left to love. Her cheekbones must now be her only redeeming feature. That and her thirst for power at any cost – Cersei dons her very best ‘Disney Villain’ attitude and takes the throne.

GAME OF THRONES – WHO WILL SURVIVE SEASON 7?

All Men Must Die – this we have learned season upon season in the realms of Westeros. From poor old dead Ned to the deep fried Queen Margaery we have lost some true gems of the seven kingdoms. Of course we have also seen some well deserved gruesome exits – who can blame Sansa for smiling as the hounds turned on their master? And is if it is wrong to cheer when a sadistic king who tortures whores for fun is poisoned at his own wedding, well then I don’t want to be right. The question, now that Season 7 is approaching at dragon speed, is who will survive the the year, and who will die before the credits roll?

Here are my predictions for the survivors and casualties of the upcoming season.

 

MOST LIKELY TO DIE IN TRULY GRUESOME GOT STYLE

1.Cersei

Because once you go full Disney villain you don’t get a happy ending.

2.Grey Worm and/or Missandei

Because it would be oh so Romeo and Juliet, except for, you know, the eunuch problem.

3.Brienne

Because someone we adore is bound to die, and she is just as noble as Eddard – and look how well things turned out there.

4. The Mountain

Clegane Bowl. It’s gotta happen. And we all know who’s gotta win – pass him a chicken. No! Make that two…

5. Littlefinger

Because Sansa is pretty badass now, and he has played her one too many times. Plus he is trying to divide the Starks – and if we have established one thing, its that Jon Snow doesn’t suffer fools. Hear that Olly?!

 

MOST LIKELY TO SURVIVE THE SEASON

1.Jon Snow

Because he can’t die twice. He isn’t Buffy Summers for crying out loud.

2.Daenerys

Because dragons.

3. Tyrion

Because we would riot. Plus I think he will die saving everyone next season *sob*.

4. Jorah

Because Dani told him not to die. And he would rather disembowel himself that disobey her. Plus now that he has greyscale his death would be way too predictable

5. Melisandre

Because the night is dark and full of terrors, and her mysterious story doesn’t even feel half told. She will have a chance to redeem herself in the war to come.

Here end my predictions. Valar Morghulis fellow Thrones fans. We meet again when winter has come – in July.

WHY WE NEED MORE GIRLS IN TV GALAXIES

Everyone was telling me I would love it. It seemed to come up in conversation, and people couldn’t believe that I hadn’t added it to my science fiction binge list already.

So finally I caved, like the weak-willed TV addict I am, and decided to give ‘The Expanse’ a go.

On paper it looked like the perfect show for me: intellectually stimulating sci-fi, heavy on the politics and less concerned with prosthetics-based aliens. IMDB describes it as sci-fi meets detective novel meets conspiracy drama.

I managed two episodes.

Surprised? So was I. But while intellectually and visually stimulating, this futuristic show was incredibly backward in one very important way: women.

In the very first episode it becomes clear both the main characters are male, which I have no issue with. Some main characters are men, some are women, that isn’t the issue. My problem is not with the gender of the protagonists, but with the scarcity of women in the show, and how the few that are present are depicted.

Of the two (yes count them, TWO) female characters we  meet , one is merely a sexual partner for our wayward hero (and is unlikely to be making further appearances in the series based on the narrative) and one is the tough-cookie chief engineer (so far, so Voyager) who wastes little time before criticising her sole fellow female crew-mate. Pretty sure this soundly fails the Bechdel test.

Now things might improve in the following episodes – maybe the female villain we glimpse on occasion will become of greater importance, and maybe the beautiful errant daughter we have not met yet will be more than just arm candy for the heroes of the tale, but the point is by the end of episode 2 I didn’t care. I was already alienated (pardon the pun).

I had thought we were past this – with shows like Buffy, Firefly, Dollhouse (anything by Joss Whedon) evening the gender divide in science fiction, and fantasy shows expanding the female reach in lands unknown. But maybe we haven’t come as far as I had thought.

When I was a mini geek girl glued to every Star Trek franchise going I had very few heroines to choose from, and allied myself with every Deanna Troi or Jadzia Dax going, eager to follow the narratives of people like me, to see my own gender included, even if only in a small way. The Expanse gave me that same desperate feeling.

Now there is no problem in having all-male shows, don’t get me wrong. But science fiction has been male-centric since its inception, and I don’t think it is asking too much to include women in the vastness of the space they inhabit. Think of the stories that could be told if women were more than pawns, sex toys or 2D villains.

But for now at least, it seems for every Buffy the Vampire Slayer, their is still a girl getting bitten. For every Cersei Lannister, there is still a Deanna Troi, sipping hot chocolate and begging to be called upon.

Maybe, next time the apocalypse comes, take a leaf out of Whedon’s book, and beep HER instead of HIM.

 

86 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILST WATCHING GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 10 – THE WINDS OF WINTER

1.The Direwolf has returned to Winterfell! I have never been more excited during the opening credits.
2. Cersei is modelling her Disney villain look. This doesn’t bode well for Westeros.
3.Let us take a moment to appreciate the insane level on detail on Game of Thrones costumes.
4. If the seven gods chose the High Sparrow as their judge, I fear they belong to the dark side.
5. A gentle reminder that Pycelle is still an old lusty hypocrite.
6. DO NOT FOLLOW THE LITTLE BIRDS.
7. Margaery looks worried. That makes me scared.
8. Every shot is lit like a masterpiece in this episode.
9. The High Sparrow wasn’t mutilated – do as I say, not as I do, presumably.
10.‘You mutilated him, you gave me your word!’ I am comforted that Margaery didn’t sanction this legalised maiming.

HBO

HBO

11.The mountain bars the way of the King. Ominous is an understatement.
12.The queen mother? Drinking. Naturally.
13.Deep in the catacombs the plot is unveiled with old maesters and young murderers
14.‘This pains me my lord’ Qyburn, you are fooling no-one.
15.The innocent glee with which the urchins tear Pycelle apart is what nightmares are made of.
16.‘Forget about the bloody gods and listen to what I’m telling you’. RUN WOMAN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
17.Wildfire. oh Cersei, someone has been truly wicked
18.‘We all need to leave NOW’ – understatement.
19. The Sparrows bar the way to safety LET MARGAERY GO!!!!!!
20. The candle did not go out.
21. All is flames, green fire and screams.

HBO

HBO

22. Cersei is left, smiling on her hill. I see where Joffrey got it from now.
23. The revenge of the lioness – shame is repaid and the Septa drowns in wine
24. ‘I drink because it feels good, I killed my husband because it felt good to be rid of him, i fucked my brother because it feels good….I KILLED YOUR HIGH SPARROW BECAUSE IT FELT GOOD TO WATCH THEM BURN’ …well I guess she was told to confess…
25. I can’t quite muster sufficient sympathy for the victim, since she is just a different type of hateful.
26. Though I would wish the mountain on no-one,
27. The crown is too heavy for the boy king, but the beautifully framed window is perfect for an unflinching silent suicide.
28. Knew he wouldn’t last the season.

HBO

HBO

29. Oh Jamie, what company are you keeping?!
30. At least Bronn makes up for the excess of Freys.
31. How is Walder Frey skill alive?
32. ‘two kingslayers’ oh that’s a painful comparison.
33.’We gave you the River Lands… if we have to take them back for you every time you lose them what do we need you for?’ Well said Jamie. Stick the knife in.
34. No I mean literally.
35. Frey struck a nerve there – the demons of his nature would have him roll in the dirt with the Freys, but his better angels would hark back Brienne, a true oathkeeper.

HBO

HBO

36. SAM! Well met sir!
37. The Citadel landscape is breathtaking – all curves and light.
38. A welcome dose of humour lights up the dark night full of terrors: ‘this is irregular’ ‘I suppose that life is irregular’ you tell him Slayer.
39. Sam gets his very own Beauty and the Beast moment in the library.
40. Finally Winterfell feels like home again.
41. Davos is angry. You should’t make Davos angry.
42. ‘If he commands you to burn children, your Lord is evil’. Davos is one of the stars of this season: A voice of passionate reason amid hellish chaos.
43. The pained new Lord of Winterfell is as just as his father before him. No more blood, only exile.

HBO

HBO

44. It feels important that Jon admits this was Sansa’s victory.
45. But also that she apologises for not trusting him. Because you can’t trust Littlefinger, let’s face it..
46. ‘Winter is here!’ well it’s been a long time coming. The shared Stark smile warms the snow covered spires of the Stark homeland.
47.What could make Dorne pallatable? Oh I know, Diana Rigg! She can fix everything!
48. That is how I like to think the meeting at HBO went
49. And incidentally they are right. She can: ‘you look like an angry little boy, don’t presume to tell me what I need’ you tell them Olenna!

HBO

HBO

50.’Cersei stole the future from me…’ RIP Margaery. The others are no great loss.
51. Enter the Eunuch, invoking the Targarryen words. Goosebumps
52. Good riddance to Daario. He lowered the tone of Dany’s rule with oily contrived charm. Drogo forever.
53. So who will Dany gift with marital alliance? *cough* Jon *cough*
54. The bay of Dragons has a nice ring to it.
55. I’m not sure I have ever seen Tyrion sympathetic before.
56. Small people cast great shadows in the pyramid- literally and figuratively.
57. ‘I said no thank you to belief, and yet here I am, I believe in you’ finally some good lines for Tyrion – my heart may burst.
58. The dialogue between these two has always been a true meeting of the minds.
59.’ I had something made for you, I’m not sure if it’s right’ HAND OF THE QUEEN, HAND OF THE QUEEN!!!!!!

HBO

HBO

60. The dwarf only bows to the deserving.
61. The dirty murderer himself, Walder Frey enters the tale once more.
62. Someone baked Frey pie – I prefer my Freys cooked. And I’m vegetarian.
63. ‘My name is Arya Stark’ of course it is. A girl took some faces for the road.
64. And the great deceiver faces the same death as his victim Catelyn Stark, as her vengeful daughter smiles on.

HBO

HBO

65. ‘It’s a pretty picture’ Sansa is no longer the mouse to Baelish’s feline, and damns him with faint praise.
66.Sansa’s cynicism may keep her head above the winter for some time yet – she doesn’t rise to the puppeteers bait.
67. I still haven’t forgiven Bran for Hodor.
68. The Tower of Joy – Part 2! They kept us waiting long enough.
69.The truth is revealed, with two long lost Starks over a bloody birthing bed.
70. The mystery is resolved. Promise me. R + L= J.

HBO

HBO

71. I KNEW IT! The baby’s eyes open on the man’s face.
72. Notice Jon calls the Wildlings the ‘Free Folk’ – Ygritte’s legacy.
73. All hail Lyanna Mormont queen of EVERYTHING.
74. How can someone so small have such stage presence?
75. They refused the call and she judges them for it. The old cowards are shamed by a little girl.
76. Of course they all side with Jon now – LYANNA MORMONT COMMANDED IT
77. The White Wolf, King in the North – Oh the echoes of Robb are traumatising – let us hope this version of the brother’s story ends well.
78. It should – the White Wolf is wiser than the young wolf, after all.
79. His destiny will always outweigh his ambition.
80. No Sansa. If you let Littlefinger ruin this victory I do not like your chances for season 7.
81. Not the welcome home Jamie was expecting.
82. The disney villain is crowned in all her terror and glory. Castalmere plays for the inevitable doom this brings.

HBO

HBO

83. ‘long may she reign’ i doubt it
84.. Dany is finally setting sail! The pigs are flying with the dragons!
85. Her power is jawdropping. Only a dwarf stands between her and Targarryen madness, only a mad queen stands between her and the iron throne.
86. Winter is here, but dragons are coming.

39 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILST WATCHING GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 9 – THE BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS

1. OK. So this is the big one. Sadist versus Snow.
2. Jon can’t die AGAIN right?
3. Wait – MEREEN?!
4. We get TWO battles?! Oh HBO you spoil us.
5. Let us take a minute to admire Dany’s braid-work in a time of crisis.
6. The dwarf tempers the less attractive Targaryen qualities – perhaps the madness can be tempered by reason in a small package?
7. Those Masters are far to smug to stay alive .Plus no one owns Grey Worm. He is a free elf! I mean- man.
8. The slavers should probably not have forgotten she owns dragons. Three of them.

HBO

HBO

9. Oh, and also she has a Dothraki horde at her beck and call – horses beat harpies, every time.
10. We should probably take a minute to appreciate how amazing grey worm is *appreciative silence*
11.The North is an icy oil painting
12. ‘You don’t have to be here’ ‘yes I do’ you tell him, Sansa.
13. Lyanna Mormont’s scowl is a weapon of mass destruction.

HBO

HBO

14. Honour and righteousness meet cunning and bloodlust.
15. But Jon can be cunning too: ‘will your men want to fight for you, when they hear you wouldn’t fight for them?’
16. Sansa doesn’t feel the cold. She IS the cold: ‘you’re going to die tomorrow Lord Bolton. Sleep well’.
17. Jon explaining military tactics to Tormund is precious.
18. Sansa is taking down the patriarchy one man at a time: ‘did it ever once occur to you that I might have some insight?!’
19. He would do well to listen to his little sister. Jon has seen hell, sure, but Sansa has lived it.
20. ‘We’ll never get him back…he won’t live long’ harsh, but I am not betting on Rickon surviving the episode.
21. ‘Has the Iron Islands ever had a queen before?’ ‘No more than Westeros’. well played, Yara. Welcome to the kick-ass queen mutual appreciation society.

HBO

HBO

22. ‘I never demand but I’m up for anything really’ – the queen is amused.
23. Can you feel the love in this pyramid?
24. Back at the battlefield, Ramsey’s games are about to begin.
25. The sadist drags the littlest direwolf out to ‘play’

HBO

HBO

26. ‘Don’t!’ Tormund knows better, Sansa warned him, but Jon falls hook line and sinker.
27. What follows is a tangle of flailing hooves, broken bodies and howling screams.
28. Jon is crushed by bodies, choking for life, drowning among the dead
29. The trampled hero choses to live! Praise the old gods and the new!

HBO

HBO

30. Tormund gets a second wind as Sansa brings a saving grace over the hilltops.
31. Now Ramsey is the hunted. He looks less than amused.
32. The she-wolf that Sansa has become smells blood and starts to smile
33. Notice the shield Snow uses to deflect Ramsey’s final futile attack features the Mormont bear – little Lyanna will be pleased
34. Only Sansa’s flinty expression makes Lord Snow put vengeance on pause.
35. Ramsey is even smug in defeat – ‘I’m part of you now’ Ye gods I hope not.
36. It shouldn’t be this satisfying to see a man eaten face-first by his own hounds.
37. And yet it is.
38. Sansa’s smile as she walks away is everything.

HBO

HBO

39. Long live the She-wolf!

Dragons – ALL THREE! Dracarys slaver scum!
Direwolves – None, which is probably for the best as no-one wants any more canine deaths.
Nudity – No time for naughty business during the battle.
Deaths – Oh thousands. Happily, though, the hounds are now fed.

58 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILST WATCHING GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 8 ‘NO ONE’

1.Opening with Essie Davis is always a good idea.
2.If this Cersei were the real Cersei Kings Landing would be a happier place.
3.So it stands to reason that the bloody little stark would hide behind her curtains.
4.I have a feeling this motherly actress is too nice to live.

HBO

HBO

5.Oh the brutal brotherhood. Really? Still alive? Disappointing.
6.YES the Hound returns – armed and dangerous- they’re not laughing now.
7.Slaughter probably shouldn’t be so satisfying.
8.‘You’re shit at dying you know that’ – the Hound and Bronn get all the best lines.
9.The Eunuch’s departure does not bode well for Tyrion.
10.Who is Varys heading to for help? The Tyrells? The Dornish?
11.Remember Dorne? I try not to.
12.Cersei’s following has grown rather small – creepy Qybern and the Franken-Mountain.

HBO

HBO

13.Wow Lancel may be just as repulsive as Tommen – weakness masquerading as righteousness.
14.‘You have a keen military mind pod’ Brienne, queen of the sardonic put-down.
15.Bronn and Pod the reunion! T shirts will be made.
16.The first rule of Bronn’s Fight Club is – fight dirty.
17.Brienne is the good knight on Jamie’s soldier.
18.Sadly he listens to his sister and inner demons.
19.She sees the good in him, but he is blind to it.
20.She tries to return his sword – I may cry.

HBO

HBO

21.He’s not my friend – oh Brienne, who are you kidding.
22.‘She’s exactly like her mother’ let’s hope Sansa stays alive longer than Cat …
23.I do love the Blackfish’s spirit – even if his attitude to the siege is rather kamikaze.
24.Cersei’s uncle may not be on her Christmas list this year ‘your place is in the gallery’
25.‘From this day forward trial by combat will be forbidden’ wow, Tommen is challenging Joffrey for worst son in Westeros.
26.The ‘old rumour’ the little birds are chirping of to Qyburn – would it be to do with wildfire?
27.Meerenese Tyrion continues to be defined by his alcoholism.
28.Although his argument that Grey Worm is obeying his masters by abstaining is clever.
29.‘The Imp’s Delight’ sounds like a name for something rather more sinister than wine…
30.The outlook for Missandei and Grey Worm’s comedy career is bleak
31.…and the (rather forced) laughter is interrupted by an invading slaver fleet, naturally.
32.Tobias Menzies (Edmure) is one of the greatest actors of modern TV ( see Outlander).

HBO

HBO

33.He shows more spirit when captive than he ever did free ‘how do you live with yourself?’
34.‘Don’t talk about Cat’ – and my Stark-loving heart breaks just a little more.
35.Jamie truly has returned to the dark side. He wears it well though.
36.And so Riverrun falls, suddenly yet inevitably, due to Lannister cunning and sworn loyalties.
37.It’s like Ned Stark all over again.
38.You’ll serve Sansa far better than I ever could – well why not fight for her TOGETHER then?!!!
39.Is the Blackfish truly dead and buried? is this a Stannis or Hound situation?
40.The twilight escape of Brienne and Pod shows us a last glimpse of Jamie’s better qualities.

HBO

HBO

41.There is warmth in his heart, but his fist is still golden.
42.‘You do not know what the army should do’ – Grey Worm tells it like it is.
43.Dany’s home – and she doesn’t look impressed. Regal? Yes. Happy? Not so much.
44.Would it have killed Drogon to stick around a little longer? Burn a few slavers, like old times?
45.It is pleasing to learn the Brotherhood still have a good name.
46.I hope Sandor joins Thoros and Company – think of the witty repartee.
47.If this hanging party means Lady Stoneheart has been forsaken, I will mount an insignificant but highly impassioned protest.

HBO

HBO

48.And so the actress makes her final exit, thanks to the waif, who seems to be made of pure evil.
49.Farewell Lady Crane, you were too good for this world. Literally.
50.Is the House of Black and White really just a bunch of sadistic assassins? Why the pretence at spirituality then?!
51.The chase is incredible – I love the clumsiness of the spectacle.
52.More back alley brutality than James Bond glamour

HBO

HBO

53.No one should find murder this fun
54.Unless they are killing Joffrey of course.
55.A girl doesn’t need eyes to see, and doesn’t need light to kill
56.Goodbye and good riddance to the Waif.

HBO

HBO

57.‘A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and I’m going home’ : cue cheering, dancing and general jubilation
58. A man can put it in his pipe and smoke it – the Stark is back, and though she is little she is mighty.

NUDITY – None
DEATH – Lady Crane (Boo) the Waif (Yay) plus assorted murderers.
DRAGONS – One, ever so briefly.
DIREWOLVES – None, but then there aren’t many left…

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 7 – THE BROKEN MAN

Curtain up on a pastoral scene, where a show off is carrying an entire tree. Who is this shameless attention seeker? Why it’s the Hound, but we already knew that, because Ian McShane is the worst secret keeper in the history of the seven kingdoms.

in Kings Landing Margaery is mirroring the sparrow’s own moves,and what a man this Sparrow is: “Congress does not require desire on the women’s part.” Charming. Ever the crafty queen, Margaery nails her colours to the mast on a secret scrap of paper, reassuring and saving her beloved Queen of Thorns at the same time. Margaery isn’t going down without a fight. All roses have thorns – the sparrow should remember that.

HBO

HBO

She may be leaving, but Olenna has time for one final round with Cersei on her way out of the door. The matriarch of Westeros puts the blame squarely on the queen mother’s shoulders. Cersei’s franken-shadow undercuts her feigned humility, and Olenna is having none of it: “You’ve lost Cersei, it’s the only joy I could find in all this misery”.

Over at Riverun it is safe to say employing Bronn is the best decision the Kingslayer ever made. Even so, the Blackfish has more strength in his little finger than the entire pathetic siege of Freys. Nothing scares this veteran of horrors – you can’t drown a fish in home waters.

HBO

HBO

And now for the star of the episode: Lyanna Mormont. To quote Shakespeare: “though she be little she is fierce”. Don’t offer her smalltalk, and don’t attempt flattery “Lady Sansa is a Bolton. Or is she a Lannister?” Only the Onion Knight can thaw the steely bear cub. Davos is the sole voice of compassionate reason in a cruel world run mad. Lyanna joins their ranks with her *ahem* 62 men “If they are half as ferocious as their last, the Boltons are doomed” well said sir.

Lord Glover ,on the other hand, has not half of the feisty she-bear’s guts. Driven solely by fear, his honour is lost to prejudice. Sansa is bold, but rather new to negotiation. Although she is new to war I do side with her over Jon on battle strategy. They need more men, else the battle will become a martyrdom. Who else is betting Lady Stark’s candlelit missive is wending its way to a disgraced mockingbird?

HBO

HBO

We then returning to the resuscitated Hound, shortly before the saviour Septon is crushed by his own idealism. The futility of the scene is frustrating for us, but also for Clegane. He can’t bury his head in the sand to the screams; he has seen too much blood to believe blind naivety can wash the guilty clean, or that it can protect the pure from a brutal end. The hound is masterless once more, with yet more hate to fuel his life-force.

A girl doesn’t seem to be hiding back in Bravos. She acts rather more ladylike than the needle-wielder we love, then stands in plain sight ready for the wrinkly fairy tale villain to draw her blade. This is all too simple – either Arya is not wearing her own face, or this assassination is staged.. One thing is certain – a girl is harder to kill than that. Ask Cersei, Sir Meryn or Polliver. Direwolves bite back, and Jaquen may have made her list.

HBO

HBO

Dragons – None.

Direwolves – None. This is confusing.

Nudity – Ah this is more normal. The brothel scene filled the traditional quota.

Violence – Goodbye Sir Septon. I would be sad, if your actor had not been such a blabbermouth.

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 6 – BLOOD OF MY BLOOD

Over halfway through the season the pieces are starting to fall into place, but the final picture remains unclear. Characters collide, re-emerge from their hiding places and wage war on their enemies, but the iron throne is still very much in play.

Bran, my least favourite giant killer, obviously hasn’t learned the concept of chivalry, and leaves poor Meera to run for both their lives yet again. No amount of visions will bring Hodor back Bran! Although the glimpse of the mad king amongst the flashbacks is truly spectacular. Then as another Stark death seems imminent a mysterious fire-wielding horseman enters stage left. Perhaps he took the ‘burn them all’ vision a little literally. And the saviour behind the scarves? Long lost Uncle Benjen! Frostbitten, but alive. He’s no Hodor, but a pleasant surprise nontheless.

South of the wall Randyll Tarly is a new candidate for worst father in Westeros. If Tywin wasn’t dead, he’d be jealous. Let Sam eat his bread you racist tyrant! This is by far the best part of the episode. Gilly cleans up nicely – the Seven Kingdoms version of Disney’s Belle, but with a sharper tongue when provoked. “I’m angry that horrible people can treat good people that way and get away with it’ . Welcome to the seven kingdoms Gilly. The unlikely hero’s roasting on home turf left a bitter taste in the mouth, but his change of heart is both unexpected and wonderful, As always Samwell does his heroism by night, where no one can see. Our favourite couple flee with babe and sword in arms – we’ll be seeing more of daddy dearest then.

The curtain rises on the second act of the play with in a play , the satirised propaganda of the seven kingdoms, the Westerosi Mock the Week. Lady Crane makes even Joffrey piteous – a good actress playing a good actress playing a queen- an triumph of a performance. If the real Cersei had been half as charming, Arya would never have fled Kings Landing. Her name today was Mercy, and the wannabe poisoner took it to heart: ‘careful of that one, she wants you dead’. A girl is still a Stark, and a girl retrieves needle once more! Finished with stick fighting and floor washing, our favourite assassin is once more armed and dangerous…. and on Jaquen’s list.

And now for the greatest anticlimax of the episode: Kings Landing. Margaery’s lucious locks remain in tact because there is to be no walk of shame. Jamie’s dramatic horsemanship is undercut by the Sparrow’s checkmate – Tommen the brainless strikes again, pandering to fanatics, and stopping the much hyped battle on the steps of the sept, before it starts. I believe Margaery is playing the long game, and that her gullible husband will be playing a rather shortened version.

For the finale Dany’s favourite baby returns to give the Khaleesi wings, and the dragon queen rides again! Her speech is inspiring and terrifying in equal measure. She riles the troops, but is HBO hinting at a Targaryen tyrant lurking within the breaker of chains? I truly hope not. There is more than one way to kill a favourite character – please Mr Martin, don’t kill mine.

Dragons: Welcome back Drogon

Direwolves: None, since Bran allowed his to DIE

Deaths: None (barring white walkers)

Nudity: None. This is Westeros right?