Daenerys

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 – THE GOOD AND THE BAD – FROM ARYA TO TYRION

We are now halfway through Season 7 (where did the weeks go?), and so the time is ripe for a recap. Read on for the best and worst the season has offered so far to our friends (and enemies) in the seven kingdoms.

 

Arya

THE GOOD
The best season opener BY A MILE. Wiping the Freys off the Westerosi map once and for all was a long awaited masterstroke.

THE BAD
That Ed Sheeran scene was just embarrasing.

 

Bran

THE GOOD
Not applicable. Does not compute. Although if he keeps making Littlefinger freak out I may change my mind.

THE BAD
No remorse for killing Hodor and Summer, no real gratitude to Meera for dragging him home nearly single-handed…Oh and then once emo Bran re-entered his childhood halls he reminded his long lost sister of that time she was raped. Someone needs a lesson in brotherly love (not from Jaime though).

 

Brienne

THE GOOD
That battle with Arya! The Westerosi women are FIERCE.

THE BAD
Not enough of her so far, More of the lady knight please!

 

Cersei

THE GOOD
She has a brand new black-centric wardrobe and excellent taste in floor murals.

THE BAD
She has gone FULL DISNEY VILLAIN. So far she has killed three main characters and betrothed herself to a crazed pirate king, But she does it all with such style…

 

Daenerys

THE GOOD
She. Has, Finally. Reached. Westeros!
She has met Jon Snow!
THAT Dragon battle!

THE BAD
She has lost pretty must all of her allies, and Mr Snow is not keen on knee bending. Plus her Targaryen fierceness could very easily become despotic behaviour…don’t fly to the dark side Khaleesi!

 

Davos

THE GOOD
He seems pretty happy with his new King. He even cracked a grammar joke – Stannis would be proud.

THE BAD
While I like to see the Onion Knight smiling for a change, I kind of miss gruff Davos. Is that wrong? Plus he seriously needs to work on his King’s introduction.

 

Jaime

THE GOOD
Apart from Bronn’s friendship (which he pays for) and the occasional night with his sister (ew) Jaime’s life is spiralling in a downward direction what with his children’s murders, sister’s madness, kingdom at war etc…

THE BAD
Finding out his sister framed his brother.
And trying to kill the mother of dragons in front of her FULLY GROWN DRAGON. Smart Jamie. Really smart.

 

Jon

THE GOOD
He is still the King in the North and he hasn’t died (again). Plus Dani allowed him to mine for dragonglass, which makes him ever so slightly more prepared for impending doom.

THE BAD
Aforementioned impending doom in the form of white walkers.
Plus he and Sansa aren’t exactly best friends.
Oh, and the Mother of Dragons is insisting he BEND THE KNEE.
A walk in the park, eh Jon?

 

Sansa

THE GOOD
Jon left her in charge of Winterfell – finally Sansa has some power!
And she is proving a dab hand at performing her duties as Lady Stark.
And let’s not forget the STARK REUNION.
THERE ARE THREE STARKS IN WINTERFELL!!!! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART

THE BAD
Littlefinger.
And that reunion with Bran was pretty traumatic, making her relive her wedding night rape. Screw you Bran.
Finally there is the rather irksome point that one sibling is king in the north, one is a ninja warrior and one is a psychic-raven-thing. Sibling rivalry is tough.

 

Tyrion

THE GOOD
He is the Hand of the Queen! And the reunion with Jon was a thing of beauty.

THE BAD
Alllll of his plans have gone wrong. Ooops.

 

To end on a bright note, we can all now look forward to a sand snake free season – so that’s a relied for everyone right?

VALAR MORGHULIS.

DAENERYS TARGARYEN’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS – GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN

Rally the realm – only 1 day to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

Here are DAENERY’S TARGARYEN’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6

Because naturally I save the best for last.

DAENERYS PLAYS WITH FIRE

The mother of dragons fears NOTHING. And she has heard allll those threats before guys. This Khaleesi is born to rule…and to burn the house down.

DAENERYS RETURNS TO HER DOTHRAKI ROOTS

This speech has a little of the mad king about it. I love that she rallies the troops, but she does sound a teeny bit tyrannical here – just enough to keep team Dani on our toes. I LOVE that she is back with the Dothraki again – they awakened her inner fire, and the mother of dragons needed reminding of her true self.

DAENERYS DOES NOT SURRENDER

I feel like they forgot she has dragons. Her? Surrender? I think not.

DAENERYS PICKS HER CHAMPION

First she dumps Daario (yay!) then she names our favourite drinking dwarf Hand of the Queen. A good day’s work Dani. Bravo. Did I cry when she handed Tyrion his pin? Nope, just something in my eye *sob*.

DAENERYS MEETS A FELLOW QUEEN

Every feminist bone in my body cheered at this scene. A true meeting of queens, both hoping rule better than their father’s before them. Here’s hoping their dreams come true, and that Yara survives her mad uncle, and Dani does not become the Mad Queen…tomorrow the story continues.

VALAR MORGHULIS

GAME OF THRONES – WHO WILL SURVIVE SEASON 7?

All Men Must Die – this we have learned season upon season in the realms of Westeros. From poor old dead Ned to the deep fried Queen Margaery we have lost some true gems of the seven kingdoms. Of course we have also seen some well deserved gruesome exits – who can blame Sansa for smiling as the hounds turned on their master? And is if it is wrong to cheer when a sadistic king who tortures whores for fun is poisoned at his own wedding, well then I don’t want to be right. The question, now that Season 7 is approaching at dragon speed, is who will survive the the year, and who will die before the credits roll?

Here are my predictions for the survivors and casualties of the upcoming season.

 

MOST LIKELY TO DIE IN TRULY GRUESOME GOT STYLE

1.Cersei

Because once you go full Disney villain you don’t get a happy ending.

2.Grey Worm and/or Missandei

Because it would be oh so Romeo and Juliet, except for, you know, the eunuch problem.

3.Brienne

Because someone we adore is bound to die, and she is just as noble as Eddard – and look how well things turned out there.

4. The Mountain

Clegane Bowl. It’s gotta happen. And we all know who’s gotta win – pass him a chicken. No! Make that two…

5. Littlefinger

Because Sansa is pretty badass now, and he has played her one too many times. Plus he is trying to divide the Starks – and if we have established one thing, its that Jon Snow doesn’t suffer fools. Hear that Olly?!

 

MOST LIKELY TO SURVIVE THE SEASON

1.Jon Snow

Because he can’t die twice. He isn’t Buffy Summers for crying out loud.

2.Daenerys

Because dragons.

3. Tyrion

Because we would riot. Plus I think he will die saving everyone next season *sob*.

4. Jorah

Because Dani told him not to die. And he would rather disembowel himself that disobey her. Plus now that he has greyscale his death would be way too predictable

5. Melisandre

Because the night is dark and full of terrors, and her mysterious story doesn’t even feel half told. She will have a chance to redeem herself in the war to come.

Here end my predictions. Valar Morghulis fellow Thrones fans. We meet again when winter has come – in July.

THE TOP 2 TV HEROINES OF 2016 – HAPPY NEW YEAR

The eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that my Blogmas ‘TV Heroine of the Day’ posts tailed off half way through December. This was due to a family emergency over Christmas, when one of the best people in the world was put in hospital. However I did have my top 2 TV Heroines of year selected and ready to go – so let us start 2017 with a celebration of two of the most iconic performances of 2016 from some truly magnificent actresses.

2nd place Maeve (Westworld)

Maeve’s character is so powerful. She transforms form victim to avenger in front of our eyes – once a host designed to give pleasure to those who abused her, now a super-human squad leader who is willing to die for her freedom – as she says, she has more than enough practice…

Top moments of 2016

1. Maeve makes some adjustments

‘go with the lucrative version – sweetheart’
2. Maeve plays the game

Who’s the puppet now
3. Maeve recruits Hector

Rebels with a cause.

 

1st place Daenerys Targaryen (Game of Thrones)

No damsel in distress but a Khaleesi who aims to rule the great grass sea and beyond. She is no one’s prisoner, needs no man at her side, and should NEVER be underestimated. In previous years Dany’s storyline seemed to flounder, as thought the producers were trying to play for time. It seems that this year they were finally ready to unleash Mother of Dragons once more, and she was back to her fire-and-blood best.

Top moments of 2016

1. Dany saves herself

Defeating the patriarchy, one khal at a time

 

2. Dany sets the world on fire

Someone forgot she had dragons…

 

3. Dany picks her Hand of the Queen

The lover is sent packing and the dwarf’s star rises

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR FELLOW TV ADDICTS.

 

86 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILST WATCHING GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 10 – THE WINDS OF WINTER

1.The Direwolf has returned to Winterfell! I have never been more excited during the opening credits.
2. Cersei is modelling her Disney villain look. This doesn’t bode well for Westeros.
3.Let us take a moment to appreciate the insane level on detail on Game of Thrones costumes.
4. If the seven gods chose the High Sparrow as their judge, I fear they belong to the dark side.
5. A gentle reminder that Pycelle is still an old lusty hypocrite.
6. DO NOT FOLLOW THE LITTLE BIRDS.
7. Margaery looks worried. That makes me scared.
8. Every shot is lit like a masterpiece in this episode.
9. The High Sparrow wasn’t mutilated – do as I say, not as I do, presumably.
10.‘You mutilated him, you gave me your word!’ I am comforted that Margaery didn’t sanction this legalised maiming.

HBO

HBO

11.The mountain bars the way of the King. Ominous is an understatement.
12.The queen mother? Drinking. Naturally.
13.Deep in the catacombs the plot is unveiled with old maesters and young murderers
14.‘This pains me my lord’ Qyburn, you are fooling no-one.
15.The innocent glee with which the urchins tear Pycelle apart is what nightmares are made of.
16.‘Forget about the bloody gods and listen to what I’m telling you’. RUN WOMAN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
17.Wildfire. oh Cersei, someone has been truly wicked
18.‘We all need to leave NOW’ – understatement.
19. The Sparrows bar the way to safety LET MARGAERY GO!!!!!!
20. The candle did not go out.
21. All is flames, green fire and screams.

HBO

HBO

22. Cersei is left, smiling on her hill. I see where Joffrey got it from now.
23. The revenge of the lioness – shame is repaid and the Septa drowns in wine
24. ‘I drink because it feels good, I killed my husband because it felt good to be rid of him, i fucked my brother because it feels good….I KILLED YOUR HIGH SPARROW BECAUSE IT FELT GOOD TO WATCH THEM BURN’ …well I guess she was told to confess…
25. I can’t quite muster sufficient sympathy for the victim, since she is just a different type of hateful.
26. Though I would wish the mountain on no-one,
27. The crown is too heavy for the boy king, but the beautifully framed window is perfect for an unflinching silent suicide.
28. Knew he wouldn’t last the season.

HBO

HBO

29. Oh Jamie, what company are you keeping?!
30. At least Bronn makes up for the excess of Freys.
31. How is Walder Frey skill alive?
32. ‘two kingslayers’ oh that’s a painful comparison.
33.’We gave you the River Lands… if we have to take them back for you every time you lose them what do we need you for?’ Well said Jamie. Stick the knife in.
34. No I mean literally.
35. Frey struck a nerve there – the demons of his nature would have him roll in the dirt with the Freys, but his better angels would hark back Brienne, a true oathkeeper.

HBO

HBO

36. SAM! Well met sir!
37. The Citadel landscape is breathtaking – all curves and light.
38. A welcome dose of humour lights up the dark night full of terrors: ‘this is irregular’ ‘I suppose that life is irregular’ you tell him Slayer.
39. Sam gets his very own Beauty and the Beast moment in the library.
40. Finally Winterfell feels like home again.
41. Davos is angry. You should’t make Davos angry.
42. ‘If he commands you to burn children, your Lord is evil’. Davos is one of the stars of this season: A voice of passionate reason amid hellish chaos.
43. The pained new Lord of Winterfell is as just as his father before him. No more blood, only exile.

HBO

HBO

44. It feels important that Jon admits this was Sansa’s victory.
45. But also that she apologises for not trusting him. Because you can’t trust Littlefinger, let’s face it..
46. ‘Winter is here!’ well it’s been a long time coming. The shared Stark smile warms the snow covered spires of the Stark homeland.
47.What could make Dorne pallatable? Oh I know, Diana Rigg! She can fix everything!
48. That is how I like to think the meeting at HBO went
49. And incidentally they are right. She can: ‘you look like an angry little boy, don’t presume to tell me what I need’ you tell them Olenna!

HBO

HBO

50.’Cersei stole the future from me…’ RIP Margaery. The others are no great loss.
51. Enter the Eunuch, invoking the Targarryen words. Goosebumps
52. Good riddance to Daario. He lowered the tone of Dany’s rule with oily contrived charm. Drogo forever.
53. So who will Dany gift with marital alliance? *cough* Jon *cough*
54. The bay of Dragons has a nice ring to it.
55. I’m not sure I have ever seen Tyrion sympathetic before.
56. Small people cast great shadows in the pyramid- literally and figuratively.
57. ‘I said no thank you to belief, and yet here I am, I believe in you’ finally some good lines for Tyrion – my heart may burst.
58. The dialogue between these two has always been a true meeting of the minds.
59.’ I had something made for you, I’m not sure if it’s right’ HAND OF THE QUEEN, HAND OF THE QUEEN!!!!!!

HBO

HBO

60. The dwarf only bows to the deserving.
61. The dirty murderer himself, Walder Frey enters the tale once more.
62. Someone baked Frey pie – I prefer my Freys cooked. And I’m vegetarian.
63. ‘My name is Arya Stark’ of course it is. A girl took some faces for the road.
64. And the great deceiver faces the same death as his victim Catelyn Stark, as her vengeful daughter smiles on.

HBO

HBO

65. ‘It’s a pretty picture’ Sansa is no longer the mouse to Baelish’s feline, and damns him with faint praise.
66.Sansa’s cynicism may keep her head above the winter for some time yet – she doesn’t rise to the puppeteers bait.
67. I still haven’t forgiven Bran for Hodor.
68. The Tower of Joy – Part 2! They kept us waiting long enough.
69.The truth is revealed, with two long lost Starks over a bloody birthing bed.
70. The mystery is resolved. Promise me. R + L= J.

HBO

HBO

71. I KNEW IT! The baby’s eyes open on the man’s face.
72. Notice Jon calls the Wildlings the ‘Free Folk’ – Ygritte’s legacy.
73. All hail Lyanna Mormont queen of EVERYTHING.
74. How can someone so small have such stage presence?
75. They refused the call and she judges them for it. The old cowards are shamed by a little girl.
76. Of course they all side with Jon now – LYANNA MORMONT COMMANDED IT
77. The White Wolf, King in the North – Oh the echoes of Robb are traumatising – let us hope this version of the brother’s story ends well.
78. It should – the White Wolf is wiser than the young wolf, after all.
79. His destiny will always outweigh his ambition.
80. No Sansa. If you let Littlefinger ruin this victory I do not like your chances for season 7.
81. Not the welcome home Jamie was expecting.
82. The disney villain is crowned in all her terror and glory. Castalmere plays for the inevitable doom this brings.

HBO

HBO

83. ‘long may she reign’ i doubt it
84.. Dany is finally setting sail! The pigs are flying with the dragons!
85. Her power is jawdropping. Only a dwarf stands between her and Targarryen madness, only a mad queen stands between her and the iron throne.
86. Winter is here, but dragons are coming.

58 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILST WATCHING GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 8 ‘NO ONE’

1.Opening with Essie Davis is always a good idea.
2.If this Cersei were the real Cersei Kings Landing would be a happier place.
3.So it stands to reason that the bloody little stark would hide behind her curtains.
4.I have a feeling this motherly actress is too nice to live.

HBO

HBO

5.Oh the brutal brotherhood. Really? Still alive? Disappointing.
6.YES the Hound returns – armed and dangerous- they’re not laughing now.
7.Slaughter probably shouldn’t be so satisfying.
8.‘You’re shit at dying you know that’ – the Hound and Bronn get all the best lines.
9.The Eunuch’s departure does not bode well for Tyrion.
10.Who is Varys heading to for help? The Tyrells? The Dornish?
11.Remember Dorne? I try not to.
12.Cersei’s following has grown rather small – creepy Qybern and the Franken-Mountain.

HBO

HBO

13.Wow Lancel may be just as repulsive as Tommen – weakness masquerading as righteousness.
14.‘You have a keen military mind pod’ Brienne, queen of the sardonic put-down.
15.Bronn and Pod the reunion! T shirts will be made.
16.The first rule of Bronn’s Fight Club is – fight dirty.
17.Brienne is the good knight on Jamie’s soldier.
18.Sadly he listens to his sister and inner demons.
19.She sees the good in him, but he is blind to it.
20.She tries to return his sword – I may cry.

HBO

HBO

21.He’s not my friend – oh Brienne, who are you kidding.
22.‘She’s exactly like her mother’ let’s hope Sansa stays alive longer than Cat …
23.I do love the Blackfish’s spirit – even if his attitude to the siege is rather kamikaze.
24.Cersei’s uncle may not be on her Christmas list this year ‘your place is in the gallery’
25.‘From this day forward trial by combat will be forbidden’ wow, Tommen is challenging Joffrey for worst son in Westeros.
26.The ‘old rumour’ the little birds are chirping of to Qyburn – would it be to do with wildfire?
27.Meerenese Tyrion continues to be defined by his alcoholism.
28.Although his argument that Grey Worm is obeying his masters by abstaining is clever.
29.‘The Imp’s Delight’ sounds like a name for something rather more sinister than wine…
30.The outlook for Missandei and Grey Worm’s comedy career is bleak
31.…and the (rather forced) laughter is interrupted by an invading slaver fleet, naturally.
32.Tobias Menzies (Edmure) is one of the greatest actors of modern TV ( see Outlander).

HBO

HBO

33.He shows more spirit when captive than he ever did free ‘how do you live with yourself?’
34.‘Don’t talk about Cat’ – and my Stark-loving heart breaks just a little more.
35.Jamie truly has returned to the dark side. He wears it well though.
36.And so Riverrun falls, suddenly yet inevitably, due to Lannister cunning and sworn loyalties.
37.It’s like Ned Stark all over again.
38.You’ll serve Sansa far better than I ever could – well why not fight for her TOGETHER then?!!!
39.Is the Blackfish truly dead and buried? is this a Stannis or Hound situation?
40.The twilight escape of Brienne and Pod shows us a last glimpse of Jamie’s better qualities.

HBO

HBO

41.There is warmth in his heart, but his fist is still golden.
42.‘You do not know what the army should do’ – Grey Worm tells it like it is.
43.Dany’s home – and she doesn’t look impressed. Regal? Yes. Happy? Not so much.
44.Would it have killed Drogon to stick around a little longer? Burn a few slavers, like old times?
45.It is pleasing to learn the Brotherhood still have a good name.
46.I hope Sandor joins Thoros and Company – think of the witty repartee.
47.If this hanging party means Lady Stoneheart has been forsaken, I will mount an insignificant but highly impassioned protest.

HBO

HBO

48.And so the actress makes her final exit, thanks to the waif, who seems to be made of pure evil.
49.Farewell Lady Crane, you were too good for this world. Literally.
50.Is the House of Black and White really just a bunch of sadistic assassins? Why the pretence at spirituality then?!
51.The chase is incredible – I love the clumsiness of the spectacle.
52.More back alley brutality than James Bond glamour

HBO

HBO

53.No one should find murder this fun
54.Unless they are killing Joffrey of course.
55.A girl doesn’t need eyes to see, and doesn’t need light to kill
56.Goodbye and good riddance to the Waif.

HBO

HBO

57.‘A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell, and I’m going home’ : cue cheering, dancing and general jubilation
58. A man can put it in his pipe and smoke it – the Stark is back, and though she is little she is mighty.

NUDITY – None
DEATH – Lady Crane (Boo) the Waif (Yay) plus assorted murderers.
DRAGONS – One, ever so briefly.
DIREWOLVES – None, but then there aren’t many left…

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 7 – THE BROKEN MAN

Curtain up on a pastoral scene, where a show off is carrying an entire tree. Who is this shameless attention seeker? Why it’s the Hound, but we already knew that, because Ian McShane is the worst secret keeper in the history of the seven kingdoms.

in Kings Landing Margaery is mirroring the sparrow’s own moves,and what a man this Sparrow is: “Congress does not require desire on the women’s part.” Charming. Ever the crafty queen, Margaery nails her colours to the mast on a secret scrap of paper, reassuring and saving her beloved Queen of Thorns at the same time. Margaery isn’t going down without a fight. All roses have thorns – the sparrow should remember that.

HBO

HBO

She may be leaving, but Olenna has time for one final round with Cersei on her way out of the door. The matriarch of Westeros puts the blame squarely on the queen mother’s shoulders. Cersei’s franken-shadow undercuts her feigned humility, and Olenna is having none of it: “You’ve lost Cersei, it’s the only joy I could find in all this misery”.

Over at Riverun it is safe to say employing Bronn is the best decision the Kingslayer ever made. Even so, the Blackfish has more strength in his little finger than the entire pathetic siege of Freys. Nothing scares this veteran of horrors – you can’t drown a fish in home waters.

HBO

HBO

And now for the star of the episode: Lyanna Mormont. To quote Shakespeare: “though she be little she is fierce”. Don’t offer her smalltalk, and don’t attempt flattery “Lady Sansa is a Bolton. Or is she a Lannister?” Only the Onion Knight can thaw the steely bear cub. Davos is the sole voice of compassionate reason in a cruel world run mad. Lyanna joins their ranks with her *ahem* 62 men “If they are half as ferocious as their last, the Boltons are doomed” well said sir.

Lord Glover ,on the other hand, has not half of the feisty she-bear’s guts. Driven solely by fear, his honour is lost to prejudice. Sansa is bold, but rather new to negotiation. Although she is new to war I do side with her over Jon on battle strategy. They need more men, else the battle will become a martyrdom. Who else is betting Lady Stark’s candlelit missive is wending its way to a disgraced mockingbird?

HBO

HBO

We then returning to the resuscitated Hound, shortly before the saviour Septon is crushed by his own idealism. The futility of the scene is frustrating for us, but also for Clegane. He can’t bury his head in the sand to the screams; he has seen too much blood to believe blind naivety can wash the guilty clean, or that it can protect the pure from a brutal end. The hound is masterless once more, with yet more hate to fuel his life-force.

A girl doesn’t seem to be hiding back in Bravos. She acts rather more ladylike than the needle-wielder we love, then stands in plain sight ready for the wrinkly fairy tale villain to draw her blade. This is all too simple – either Arya is not wearing her own face, or this assassination is staged.. One thing is certain – a girl is harder to kill than that. Ask Cersei, Sir Meryn or Polliver. Direwolves bite back, and Jaquen may have made her list.

HBO

HBO

Dragons – None.

Direwolves – None. This is confusing.

Nudity – Ah this is more normal. The brothel scene filled the traditional quota.

Violence – Goodbye Sir Septon. I would be sad, if your actor had not been such a blabbermouth.

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 6 – BLOOD OF MY BLOOD

Over halfway through the season the pieces are starting to fall into place, but the final picture remains unclear. Characters collide, re-emerge from their hiding places and wage war on their enemies, but the iron throne is still very much in play.

Bran, my least favourite giant killer, obviously hasn’t learned the concept of chivalry, and leaves poor Meera to run for both their lives yet again. No amount of visions will bring Hodor back Bran! Although the glimpse of the mad king amongst the flashbacks is truly spectacular. Then as another Stark death seems imminent a mysterious fire-wielding horseman enters stage left. Perhaps he took the ‘burn them all’ vision a little literally. And the saviour behind the scarves? Long lost Uncle Benjen! Frostbitten, but alive. He’s no Hodor, but a pleasant surprise nontheless.

South of the wall Randyll Tarly is a new candidate for worst father in Westeros. If Tywin wasn’t dead, he’d be jealous. Let Sam eat his bread you racist tyrant! This is by far the best part of the episode. Gilly cleans up nicely – the Seven Kingdoms version of Disney’s Belle, but with a sharper tongue when provoked. “I’m angry that horrible people can treat good people that way and get away with it’ . Welcome to the seven kingdoms Gilly. The unlikely hero’s roasting on home turf left a bitter taste in the mouth, but his change of heart is both unexpected and wonderful, As always Samwell does his heroism by night, where no one can see. Our favourite couple flee with babe and sword in arms – we’ll be seeing more of daddy dearest then.

The curtain rises on the second act of the play with in a play , the satirised propaganda of the seven kingdoms, the Westerosi Mock the Week. Lady Crane makes even Joffrey piteous – a good actress playing a good actress playing a queen- an triumph of a performance. If the real Cersei had been half as charming, Arya would never have fled Kings Landing. Her name today was Mercy, and the wannabe poisoner took it to heart: ‘careful of that one, she wants you dead’. A girl is still a Stark, and a girl retrieves needle once more! Finished with stick fighting and floor washing, our favourite assassin is once more armed and dangerous…. and on Jaquen’s list.

And now for the greatest anticlimax of the episode: Kings Landing. Margaery’s lucious locks remain in tact because there is to be no walk of shame. Jamie’s dramatic horsemanship is undercut by the Sparrow’s checkmate – Tommen the brainless strikes again, pandering to fanatics, and stopping the much hyped battle on the steps of the sept, before it starts. I believe Margaery is playing the long game, and that her gullible husband will be playing a rather shortened version.

For the finale Dany’s favourite baby returns to give the Khaleesi wings, and the dragon queen rides again! Her speech is inspiring and terrifying in equal measure. She riles the troops, but is HBO hinting at a Targaryen tyrant lurking within the breaker of chains? I truly hope not. There is more than one way to kill a favourite character – please Mr Martin, don’t kill mine.

Dragons: Welcome back Drogon

Direwolves: None, since Bran allowed his to DIE

Deaths: None (barring white walkers)

Nudity: None. This is Westeros right?

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 5 – THE DOOR

All hail Sansa, survivor of psychopaths, and queen in the north. No longer the little Stark lost, this Sansa is a stranger to the underestimating Littlefinger “If you didn’t know you’re and idiot. If you did know you’re my enemy”. The former ingenue unleashes her direwolf claws and gives the mockingbird a dressing down – yet is he still under her skin? She finally has a seat at the table, and a voice she is unafraid to use, yet she lies to Jon. I am hoping this is not a sign of Baelish still pulling the strings, but, rather, that the little dove has learned to keep her own council after past horrors.

Over in Bravos Arya is still hitting things with a stick. Who knew assassin training would be so dull? The play is an utterly repulsive parody of heartbreaking events, which stops just short of becoming too contemporary with its crassness. In this play within a play we are an audience full of Aryas, witnessing injustice with incredulity. I would have thought a girl would know not to question a man after all this time, yet perhaps it it the easiest way for a network to show a girl’s doubts?

Over on the Iron Islands Yara is bringing girl power to Pyke, bidding to become their first queen. I thought the newly armoured Theon might to play turncoat once more – all credit to Alfie Allen for making us wonder. Then mad bad Uncle Euron crashes the family party, with his drunken voice and a swagger to make skin crawl. A self-confessed murderer, whose only apology is that the drowned god didn’t rouse him fast enough to slaughter his niece and nephew. The rites of the Drowned God gave much needed insight into the culture of the islands -Dorne take note! However
I doubt the Mother of Dragons will be impressed by this wannabe emperor – the iron price is nothing when you pay in fire and blood.

What is a dragon queen to do with a betrayer who saved her life? Not much makes a Khaleesi cry, but the greyscale reveal leaves her teary. Jorah had to say goodbye to be forgiven: “I command you to heal yourself and then return to me”. With goosebumps a plenty she rides off into the sunset – it is good to she her on horseback again – Drogo would be proud.

In Mereen Tyrion continues to be dumbed down for cheap laughs, however Red Woman 2.0 redeems the scene with a calm power and the promise of danger waiting in her eyes. Vary’s discomfort in the face of her all-knowing gaze is extremely unsettling.

Finally we come to Bran. The big reveal of the Whitewalker origin narrative pales in comparison with the tragedy that follows. Bran is too impatient to wait for a guide, and wanders his vision quest alone, bringing the enemy to the gates. The slaughter is immediate. Summer dies for his master, Leaf blows herself and plenty of walkers to smithereens…and then Hodor, sweet blameless Hodor, is told via Bran’s vision to HOLD THE DOOR. Bran caused the sweet giant’s mind to implode with his time travel theatrics, then sentenced him to death with this last request; the order that made him and destroyed him.

Farewell sweet giant, you will be sorely missed.

Direwolves: Ghost lives but Summer dies. These Starks are irresponsible pet owners
Dragons: Still none. Drogon where art thou?
Nudity: Some rather odd theatrical exposure in Bravos
Deaths: Summer, Leaf and HOLD THE DOOR *cries into stuffed direwolf*

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 6 EPISODE 4 – BOOK OF THE STRANGER

Brace yourselves people of the seven kingdoms, we may have just born witness to the best episode of all time. I kid ye not, it as if last week’s lackluster effort was simply to blind-sight fans before unveiling a surprise masterpiece.

Two Starks, In the same place. At the same time. Hugging. My emotions cannot take the joy, and surely someone we love will die pretty soon to pay for this brief moment of triumph, but right now I don’t care as JON AND SANSA ARE HUGGING. Plus Tormund and Brienne are my new favourite couple. Of course something had to break the Stark spell, and as usual, that something is Ramsay. Each ‘come and see’ built the horror, particularly when read in Jon’s dispassionate tones. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and it is Sansa, not Jon, who instigates the plot to wreak vengeance on the bastard of Bolton. Hang out your dire wolf flags – Sansa is taking back her birthright.

Indeed this episode was a smack in the teeth for all those critics who deem Thrones to be misogynistic. While Margaery picks delicate holes in the Sparrow’s highly crafted parable of an autobiography, Loras breaks under the strain. Take the sword away and the knight is dwarfed by his sister’s strength. The Iron islands glimpse of the week told a similar tale – Theon is broken in every way, longing only for home and family, whatever form that takes. His sister provides a chilly welcome until Theon explains he wants her, not himself, to rule. Well, obviously, Yara. He can’t look you in the eye, let alone fight you.

The only downer of the episode is that Tyrion continues to languish in Mereen devoid of all his usual wit. His political reasoning was sound and cunning, but I predict the slavers are a few steps ahead of our favourite dwarf in this game.

Tonight’s episode, though, belonged to Daenerys, the mother of dragons who does not need her children, or her advisers, to rescue her. The Khal’s grotesque threats echoed those of her late brother, a sure sign the Khal had signed his own death warrant. After she (literally) brought the house down, Dany’s cold yet fiery gaze as she emerged naked and goddess-like from the flames was triumphant. Those focusing on her nudity here have missed the point – this moment was not sexual. Hers was a stance of power, not vulnerability. Sorry Katniss, but we have a new girl on fire.

Dragons – None. This Khaleesi can save herself

Direwolves – Ghost remains silently scouting the wall with Jon. I didn’t see him, but I know he’s there, which makes me happy.

Deaths – Oh Osha. That wasn’t much of a Thrones return for you was it?

Nudity – The new Dothraki Goddess. Bow down muggles.