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85 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILST DEVOURING THE GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 FINALE

1. I never get tired of seeing the Stark banner over Winterfell
2. Please don’t let the Stark sisters kill each other.
3. The juxtaposition of unsullied alongside Dothraki is pleasing
4. Tyrion on Kings Landing’: ‘the brothels are far superior’ season 1 flashbacks.
5. The Hound baiting the trapped ice zombie is giving me Walking Dead vibes
6. A dragon arena? Why have we never heard of this before?
7. Presumably because there were no more dragons.
8. Now only 2 *sob*
9. A Tyrion, Pod and Bronn reunion!


10. And Brienne and The Hound! All the feels. Look at them discussing Arya like proud parents.
11. Oooh will Bronn defect to Tyrion, or is he all brotherly with Jamie now?
12. They are all in one place and my brain can’t cope
13. So why isn’t Dany here? Sorry – Daenerys.
14. Is she still mourning Viscerion? I know I am.
15. Cleganebowl teaser: ‘ you know who’s coming for you, you’ve always known’. Grab some chicken people.
16. DRAGON ALERT!
17. Just in case they forgot who she was and all. Dragon Queen, Mother of Dragons etc etc.
18. Cersei’s expression is pricesless – they’ve lost before they have even begun
19. Dany’s hair is intricately on point as always this season.
20. ‘My apologies’ translation: ‘I have never been less sorry’


21. Euron stop interrupting – he is the rude drunk uncle at a family gathering who everyone pretends not to know.
22 ‘We are a group of people who does not like one another’ understatement of the year.
23. Jon really has improved his public speaking.
24. Enter the Hound with an early christmas present for them all this winter…
25. Why isn’t it moving? They don’t die surely?
26. There we go – zombie city
27. Even Jamie froze at the monster made flesh. Rotting flesh but still.
28. Of course Qyburn wants an undead hand.
29. Cersei is just letting Euron run away scared? WHAAAT?
30.She’s agreeing to a truce? That easily?
31. No, of course not. Trying to force Jon to be neutral. Good luck with that.
32. ‘I ask it only of Ned Stark’s son’ Yep just namedrop the father you murdered.
33. Plus he ISN’T Ned’s son, but I digress…


34.’I cannot serve two queens ‘ you tell her Jon. Daenerys looks equally frustrated and adoring.
35. ‘Have you every considered learning how to lie? Oh Tyrion its like you don’t know Jon at all
36. ‘When enough people make false promised word’s stop meaning anything’ Well said Jon. You listening Donald?
37.. Is Tyrion going to trade his life for their allegiance? By the old gods and the new I hope not.
38.’ I don’t want to destroy our family I never have’ really Tyrion? Because your new queen might have something to say about that.
39. ‘Put an end to me’ you are standing in front of your murderous sister asking her to kill you, really not a great plan…
40.The axe does not fall. Does she hate him less that we thought?
41. They do both share a love of wine


42. And so Cersei’s pregnancy is discovered. That must be why she didn’t touch the wine
43. Jon and Dany are falling more in love with every passing second: ’has it occurred to you she might not have been a reliable source of information’ the witch who murdered my husband? Nah she seems legit. Good point Snow, good point.
44. ‘I will march my armies North to fight alongside you’ surely not? I know she wants her unborn child to live, but this is a rather pleasant outcome considering,well, her.
45. Back at Winterfell Littlefinger is breeding more discontent
46. Oh Sansa don’t fall for it. He wants you alone and unprotected. To use your pain for his advantage
47. However I do believe that Arya could kill Sansa. She has threatened as much after all.
48. Arya never wanted to be ‘Lady of Winterfell’ that I do know. However she is perfectly capable of killing a sister she believes ‘betrayed’ the family. judgemental much little Stark? #teamsansa


49. I love seeing Jon and Daenerys working together, it gives me goosebumps: ‘I am not coming to conquer the north, I am coming to save the north’.
50. Oh poor Theon, what a miracle you are still alive
51 ‘You always knew what was right’ and just like that he and Jon are brothers back at Winterfell. My heart is sore
52. ‘You’re a Greyjoy, and your a Stark’ WILL. NOT. CRY.
53. Theon is finding the hero’s clothes rather suit him after all.
54. His grin when the insubordinate sailor fails to knee him in his (non-existent) manhood is a beautiful, blood-covered picture.
55. Sansa is brooding back in the north. This can’t be good. Please don’t let the sisters kill each other Please please please.
56. ‘How do you answer these charges…LORD BAELISH!!!!!’
57. Can’t type – doing a happy dance!!! YES YES YES YES.
58. Did I mention YES.


59. ‘Which charges confuse you’ Sansa is FIERCE
60. ‘None of your were there’ – are we forgetting the three eyed raven formerly known as Bran?
61. I’m so happy right now I even like Bran
62. The student has become the master ‘ sometimes I play a little game…I’m a slow learner, but I learn.’
63. Killed with his own dagger. Revenge is sweet. Helps to have an assassin as a sister and an all-seeing brother.
64. Ah so Cersei’s true colours are revealed once more. No deal. Just more lies. Should have known.
65. ‘Let the monsters kill each other’ including you Cersei?
66. She has bought mercenaries with ELEPHANTS? I look forward to seeing that
67. Euron DIDN’T flee? Curveball.
68. She is threatening to kill JAMIE? She really has gone mad.


69. And so the Oathkeeper finally leaves his Queen Well done Jamie. Well done.
70. Sam finally returned North.
71. Sam is all of us in this moment: ‘I remember everything’ *smiles nicely and pretends to understand*
72. And now the true parentage is finally said OUT LOUD.
73. R+L=J
74. You wouldn’t be forgetting who drew your attention to this secret marriage of Jon’s parents which changes everything, would you Sam? WOULD YOU?
75.. We know the truth Gilly
76. Shame Rhaegar has Viscerys wig, but otherwise a beautiful wedding
77. Jon’s name is AEGON????
78.. This is a lot to take in, especially while watching him make love to his aunt


79. I can’t help but be pleased for them. Is that wrong?
80. Of course we can’t end happily, so we return to Eastwatch.
81. The dead have come. And they brought a dragon
82. Oh Viscerion how you’ve changed. *cries into laptop*


83. RUN TORMUND RUN
84. The wall has fallen, and the dead march on. Roll on Season 8. VALAR MORGHULIS
85. But if Dany dies we riot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 – THE GOOD AND THE BAD – FROM ARYA TO TYRION

We are now halfway through Season 7 (where did the weeks go?), and so the time is ripe for a recap. Read on for the best and worst the season has offered so far to our friends (and enemies) in the seven kingdoms.

 

Arya

THE GOOD
The best season opener BY A MILE. Wiping the Freys off the Westerosi map once and for all was a long awaited masterstroke.

THE BAD
That Ed Sheeran scene was just embarrasing.

 

Bran

THE GOOD
Not applicable. Does not compute. Although if he keeps making Littlefinger freak out I may change my mind.

THE BAD
No remorse for killing Hodor and Summer, no real gratitude to Meera for dragging him home nearly single-handed…Oh and then once emo Bran re-entered his childhood halls he reminded his long lost sister of that time she was raped. Someone needs a lesson in brotherly love (not from Jaime though).

 

Brienne

THE GOOD
That battle with Arya! The Westerosi women are FIERCE.

THE BAD
Not enough of her so far, More of the lady knight please!

 

Cersei

THE GOOD
She has a brand new black-centric wardrobe and excellent taste in floor murals.

THE BAD
She has gone FULL DISNEY VILLAIN. So far she has killed three main characters and betrothed herself to a crazed pirate king, But she does it all with such style…

 

Daenerys

THE GOOD
She. Has, Finally. Reached. Westeros!
She has met Jon Snow!
THAT Dragon battle!

THE BAD
She has lost pretty must all of her allies, and Mr Snow is not keen on knee bending. Plus her Targaryen fierceness could very easily become despotic behaviour…don’t fly to the dark side Khaleesi!

 

Davos

THE GOOD
He seems pretty happy with his new King. He even cracked a grammar joke – Stannis would be proud.

THE BAD
While I like to see the Onion Knight smiling for a change, I kind of miss gruff Davos. Is that wrong? Plus he seriously needs to work on his King’s introduction.

 

Jaime

THE GOOD
Apart from Bronn’s friendship (which he pays for) and the occasional night with his sister (ew) Jaime’s life is spiralling in a downward direction what with his children’s murders, sister’s madness, kingdom at war etc…

THE BAD
Finding out his sister framed his brother.
And trying to kill the mother of dragons in front of her FULLY GROWN DRAGON. Smart Jamie. Really smart.

 

Jon

THE GOOD
He is still the King in the North and he hasn’t died (again). Plus Dani allowed him to mine for dragonglass, which makes him ever so slightly more prepared for impending doom.

THE BAD
Aforementioned impending doom in the form of white walkers.
Plus he and Sansa aren’t exactly best friends.
Oh, and the Mother of Dragons is insisting he BEND THE KNEE.
A walk in the park, eh Jon?

 

Sansa

THE GOOD
Jon left her in charge of Winterfell – finally Sansa has some power!
And she is proving a dab hand at performing her duties as Lady Stark.
And let’s not forget the STARK REUNION.
THERE ARE THREE STARKS IN WINTERFELL!!!! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART

THE BAD
Littlefinger.
And that reunion with Bran was pretty traumatic, making her relive her wedding night rape. Screw you Bran.
Finally there is the rather irksome point that one sibling is king in the north, one is a ninja warrior and one is a psychic-raven-thing. Sibling rivalry is tough.

 

Tyrion

THE GOOD
He is the Hand of the Queen! And the reunion with Jon was a thing of beauty.

THE BAD
Alllll of his plans have gone wrong. Ooops.

 

To end on a bright note, we can all now look forward to a sand snake free season – so that’s a relied for everyone right?

VALAR MORGHULIS.

DAENERYS TARGARYEN’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS – GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN

Rally the realm – only 1 day to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

Here are DAENERY’S TARGARYEN’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6

Because naturally I save the best for last.

DAENERYS PLAYS WITH FIRE

The mother of dragons fears NOTHING. And she has heard allll those threats before guys. This Khaleesi is born to rule…and to burn the house down.

DAENERYS RETURNS TO HER DOTHRAKI ROOTS

This speech has a little of the mad king about it. I love that she rallies the troops, but she does sound a teeny bit tyrannical here – just enough to keep team Dani on our toes. I LOVE that she is back with the Dothraki again – they awakened her inner fire, and the mother of dragons needed reminding of her true self.

DAENERYS DOES NOT SURRENDER

I feel like they forgot she has dragons. Her? Surrender? I think not.

DAENERYS PICKS HER CHAMPION

First she dumps Daario (yay!) then she names our favourite drinking dwarf Hand of the Queen. A good day’s work Dani. Bravo. Did I cry when she handed Tyrion his pin? Nope, just something in my eye *sob*.

DAENERYS MEETS A FELLOW QUEEN

Every feminist bone in my body cheered at this scene. A true meeting of queens, both hoping rule better than their father’s before them. Here’s hoping their dreams come true, and that Yara survives her mad uncle, and Dani does not become the Mad Queen…tomorrow the story continues.

VALAR MORGHULIS

DAVOS’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS – GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN

Rally the realm – only 3 days to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

Here are DAVOS SEASWORTH’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6

DAVOS THE DEFENDER OF THE DEAD

The first to come to poor dead Jon’s side, and the first to come up with a plan of action. The Night’s Watch know a lot about dying, not so much about strategy…

DAVOS THE DEFENDER OF THE LIVING

Who better to talk sense into a man thrown from the jaws of death back into his living hell than the Onion Knight?

DAVOS MEETS LYANNA

The only one to give the little lady the respect she deserves. Oh how he misses Shireen *sob*.

 

DAVOS DOESN’T NEED A KING…

Two brilliant characters discuss pre-battle rituals. I felt sure one of them would not survive the episode. So happy to have been wrong.

 

DAVOS THE AVENGER

Vengeance is his!!! YES DAVOS! Do it for your little princess!

 

 

ARYA’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS – GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN

Rally the realm – only 4 days to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

Here are ARYA STARK’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6

ARYA’S TRAINING

Fear cuts deeper than swords, although eyesight would help. Not to worry – a girl still has her list and is adapting rather nicely to the dark…

ARYA’S TEST

A girl is not no one, and can’t kill just anyone. They need to deserve it – hence the list. Get with the programme Jaquen.

ARYA’S FRIEND

This is Arya’s first real friend since she and Gendry parted ways ( not including ‘The Hound’ as that one is a little complicated. Sure this friendship doesn’t last long due to – seemingly inevitable – murder, but it is still a nice change to see Arya receive some kindness, rather than being beaten with a stick/stabbed in the stomach.

 

ARYA V THE WAIF

She had it coming.

ARYA THE ASSASSIN

As did he. Pie anyone?

JAIME’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS – GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN

Rally the realm – only 5 days to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

Here are JAIME LANNISTER’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6

JAIME THE COMFORTER

One of the few softer scenes for the Kingslayer this season, talking Cersei out of her black hole – but to what end?

JAIME V FANATICISM

After his weakling son fails to kick the sparrow off his perch, Jaime gives it a go. While not entirely successful in brewing fear in the fanatic, it IS nice to see someone stand up to his holiness, if only for a moment.Bravo Jamie, thanks for trying.

JAIMIE’S THREAT

This is old school Jaime, but with added bitterness. All mannerly brutality and genteel swagger – a truly terrifying prospect for the gutsy Tully, who, lets face it, never stood much of a chance…

JAIME’S BETTER ANGELS

Jaime and Brienne! Together again! Sure he tries to play it cool, and revert back to his callous ways, but his last line of this scene is telling – he doesn’t want to fight the angel on his shoulder, he values her too much.

JAIME IS NOT A FREY

Yes they are both kingslayers, but no, they are NOT the same.

 

 

CERSEI’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS

Rally the realm – only one week to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

 

Here are CERSEI LANNISTER’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6

YES most of these are from the final episode. NO I have no SHAME (nudge nudge) because that episode was EPIC for the Lannister Lioness.

 

CERSEI CHOOSES

After the events of of last season she – wisely – decides to stay the hell away from the sparrow and his minions, and enlists her handy friend Franken-Mountain to really hammer the point home – the lady is not for shaming.

CERSEI HAS A CUNNING PLAN

Tommen really is a brat. He has everything, fights for nothing, then turns on his – admittedly difficult – mother by outlawing her one viable escape from the sparrows – SHAME TOMMEN. Luckily Cersei isn’t out of of options because unlike Tommen she has a mind of her own. A rather bloodthirsty one, perhaps, but still.

CERSEI PLAYS WITH FIRE

RIP Margaery…and HALF THE CITY. If at first you don’t succeed – bring the house down. Apparently. The music and direction of this sequence is stunning. They say Nero drank while Rome burned – you a fan Ms Lannister?

CERSEI > SHAME

I would feel sorry for the Septa, were it not patently obvious she enjoys tormenting her ‘sinful charges’. As it is I’m rather team Cersei on this one. Though I would be the first to scream if left in a room with the zombie Mountain from the black lagoon. What is under that helmet? Do we want to know? Probably not.

CERSEI RULES OK?

She has no more children left to love. Her cheekbones must now be her only redeeming feature. That and her thirst for power at any cost – Cersei dons her very best ‘Disney Villain’ attitude and takes the throne.

SANSA’S TOP 5 SEASON 6 MOMENTS – GAME OF THRONES COUNTDOWN

Rally the realm – only one week to go until we return to the bloody shores of Westeros, where the gods are old and new, where fear cuts deeper than swords, and where, inevitably, all men must die.

To celebrate the start of season 7, on each of the 7 days (see what I’m doing here) leading up to our return to the 7 kingdoms I will recap a character’s best bits of season 6 – a year when kings died, fire reigned and a girl was definitely someone.

*Season 6 spoilers – obviously*

 

Here are SANSA STARK’S TOP 5 MOMENTS of season 6.

Sansa and the Knight in Shining Armour

I’m not ashamed to admit this made me cry. So many echoes of her mother are present in this moment. She is remembering the lady she used to be, while retaining the steeling inner core honed through years of  hell. All hail Lady Stark, and the LADY that saves her! It feels rather fitting that after being abused by men for five seasons it was a woman who set her free. Valar Morghulis.

Sansa and Snow

I honestly thought this day might never come. A Stark reunion has so often been teased but then cruelly thwarted at the last moment. I may have jumped up and down. A lot.

Sansa Shuts Down the Mockingbird

This was beautifully played. I am choosing to ignore the hints that Littlefinger will turn Snow and Stark on each other, because firstly I think she knows better than to trust his words, and secondly I CANNOT COPE WITH THAT. Her icy rejection of his excuses, apologies and overtures of friendship are incredibly satisfying because she is right – either he threw her into Ramsey’s clutches knowingly (VILLAIN) or he didn’t know (STUPID FOOL). Ether way that is one pretty big hole to dig your way out of…

Sansa Slays

Yes I know it’s gruesome but it is oh so satisfying. Poetic too, that the sadistic psychotic hunter is killed but his own hounds. From hunter to hunted, eh Ramsey?

Sansa + Snow = Winter (Naturally)

I’m not all that sure she needs to apologise for saving the day, especially when she offered her help and he turned it down (grrrr). However the brother/sister (or should that be cousin) bonding is heartwarming, and poor old dead Ned did promise Winter, so that’s one thing the Starks got right.

62 THOUGHTS I HAD WHILE WATCHING THE HANDMAID’S TALE

1.Starting with sirens just in case you don’t get how dark this is gonna get.

2.And a car chase down a deserted highway, to make sure you are well and truly scared

3.A child hears the gunshot that kills her dad. If you thought this was heart-warming family drama, change channels now.

4.Somehow the blazing sunlight makes the content all the more dark.

5.How do you run from evil when evil is the law?

6.Answer: you don’t. You get caught.

7.Offred’s body is dragged off camera – her past life has been taken. In its place – a handmaid.

8.So starts the inner monologue of Offred (the coiled spring of terror that is Elizabeth Moss) ‘I had another name but it’s forbidden now’.

9.‘If I get trouble i will give trouble back’ a climate of fear. The handmaid is afraid of the wife, the wife is afraid of the handmaid. What is the husband afraid of in this man’s world?

10.‘A return to traditional values’ but what about the values they have forgotten? Such as human decency?

11.‘Ofglen is not my friend…I sincerely believe that Ofglen is a pious little shit with a broomstick up her ass’. Even her friends are forced and fake.

12.The body shows obedience. The eyes tell a different story

13.The commander’s driver is ‘low status, hasn’t even been issued a woman’ anything female is a status symbol. A belonging, not a being.

14.Offred’s face fits perfectly with the inner voice, a true masterclass in reaction.

15.Well hello Rory Gilmore, aren’t you a long way from Star’s Hollow?

16.The painful half scripted small talk is as controlled and restrictive as the costumes. Notice how the hats ensure their heads are cast down – a woman’s place, blinkered, like a carthorse.

17.The supermarket feels out of place – modern clean and shiny, in a world attempting to go back in time.

18.‘I don’t need oranges, I need to scream’ the jolly music juxtaposes barely hidden rage.

19.Capital punishment. Of course. A return to ‘traditional values’ .

20.Blink and you flashback to indoctrination. A Trunchball who escaped the children’s story and graduated to a purer form of evil

21.Poussey from Orange is the New Black is another famous face emerging in the dystopian dark. A friend from a past life of freedoms curtailed.

22. All is said in secret glances, nothing is permitted

23. First they come for the birth control, then they come for you

24. ‘Dirty women’ ‘sluts’. This is all sounding horribly relevant

25. You will serve the men and bare fruit, but only at the correct time as decided by anyone but you.

26. Hiding evil behind the bible: ‘blessed are the meek’ they say as they maim and destroy. No bible endorsed this. Humanity picks and chooses, and then destroys.

27.The rebel who spoke out is mutilated for her crimes ‘if my right eye offend thee pluck it out’. I guess they forgot the part about love thy neighbour.

28. The handmaids are a flash of red in this world of blues and greys – their hearts still beat, even chained.

29. Back to indoctrination, and the one eyed former rebel shares her story of gang rape ‘who led them on, whose fault was it?’ victim blaming in its purest form.

30. Atwood herself makes a blurred cameo: the author slaps her protagonist, forcing her to point the finger at the abused rather than the abuser. Tow the party line, or you are next

31.Back to the present and the ‘ceremony’ is about to begin. Notice there is no mirror in Offred’s room – even her image is not her own.

32. The wife is stoic, the handmaid a rabbit in headlights, the husband – late.

33.The church music accompanying the ceremonial rape of the handmaid deepens the horror of this abuse of both body and scripture.

34. Hands are held, clothes are kept on, faces blank as paper. Even the husband shows (almost) no pleasure in the act. This is not about pleasure, but functionality.

35.The flash of red lays on the consummation bed as the rapist leaves in silence and the wife orders her servant out. The wife cannot blame the man, so blames the handmaid. It is always easier to blame the woman.

36.In her own bed, hair free of restraints, Offred looks almost like her former self, but for her terror. ‘I think about the moon. they haven’t changed that’. Thank heaven for small mercies.

37. Drowning in state enforced abuse she runs for air, then returns to her prison for fear of discovery, Even one moment of freedom could end end all hope.

38.Back to the past, and the one-eyed rape victim retreats into delirium – the only freedom she has left.

39. The incentive to obey is unveiled – those who won’t comply are sent to the colonies where (presumably due to global warming – thank you Trump) their skin will peel off until they die. Yes, that would certainly help enforce their tyranny – obey or die.

40. The future breeding mother wants her own mother.

41.The curtains are once again drawn on Offred’s true self, as the memory of her last friend reminds her why she needs to ‘keep her shit together’. No compliance = no escape, no daughter.

42.Sarcasm is the last defence of the beaten down ‘my pleasure’ says Martha ‘go to hell’ thinks Martha. No translator needed.

43.What do the three bells mean? Nothing good, we can be sure.

44.I am thoroughly sick of adverts by this point.

45.Guided by guns, the fairy tale figures of the maidens gather like a chained army.

46.Whispered conversations are all they can afford. Begging for news, always under his eye.

47. Then the worst is revealed. the one eyed survivor of the centre, heavy with prescribed child cheerfully (and crazily) informs Offred that Moira, her last true friend, is dead. Will her hope die with her friend?

48.But fake friend Offglen has noticed her pain, and rather than judgement she shows concern. Is she friend of foe?

49. The meaning behind the bells is revealed. A rapist. A raper of handmaidens. To rape a handmaid is apparently the rapist’s fault, whereas, as we know  by this point, to rape any other woman is her fault *PAUSE WHILE I THROW THINGS AT THE TV IN DISGUST*

50. A circle is formed and rage is rallied. This time the handmaid’s are ending a life, not creating one. All the suppressed rage is released on the convicted man.

51.This, then is justice, and how they keep the downtrodden on the floor- moments to release their rage and hatred, followed by calm subservience.

52. Offred offloads her fear pain and hatred, then when the whistle blows, begins to hate herself for what she briefly became.

53.Another flashback, to the moment she discovered her beloved baby had been conceived. She fears losing it, like so many have. Of course she did lose it, but not in the way she feared then.

54.Was there ever a before? Ofglen reveals her true colours through memories of salted caramel and sex. ‘They do that really well, make us distrust each other’. Divide and conquer.

55. True selves are revealed. Horror stories shared. Loved ones lost ‘they weren’t gonna let one of us get away’. One of us. The worst club to belong to.

56. ‘It was nice to finally meet you’ how long has it been since either of them truly spoke?

57.There’s an eye in your house’ one more reason for Offred to hide her fighting spirit deep inside. Lock it up, but never throw the key.

58. The world blurs. Which eyes are THE eyes. Who must she hide from. Where is safety.

59. The music twists and turns in a discordant dream. This house is not a home.

60.Offred is sent to her room, ever obedient Offred complies.

61.But her name isn’t Offred.

62. ‘My name …is June’

THE 10 MOST ANNOYING GAME OF THRONES CHARACTERS

In just a few short months the world of Westeros will once again grace our screens.

What the war to come will bring we cannot tell …except that many beloved and hated characters will surely die in increasingly grisly ways – it is known.

Beloved heroes such as good old dead Ned fall victim to George R R Martin, but then so do deliciously evil dogs like the late and not-so-great Bastard of Bolton.

To celebrate our much anticipated return to the seven kingdoms here is my definitive list of the ten MOST ANNOYING inhabitants of the realm. Not necessarily the villains of the piece in every instance, but certainly protagonists for whom the god of death would be wise to hurry the hell up, if he hasn’t called already.

Robyn Arryn

The breastfeeding brat from the Vale. Lover of moon doors, Littlefinger, and most of all, himself. He couldn’t make the bad man fly (praise the gods), but he could display bad judgement at every turn, and a wilful disregard for snow sculpture. The cad.

Joffrey

As well as being a psychotic spoilt brat (I’m sensing a theme here – parenting skills must be pretty dire in Westeros) Joffrey boasted: lack of empathy, sadism and an arrogant entitlement, which sever to render him the most slappable resident of King’s Landing – which explains why not only did our beloved imp sock it to his royal highness once, but twice. On behalf of each an everyone of us, I thank you sir.

Shae

Oh Tyrion. You are afraid your despotic daddy will kill me ? Just because he is all powerful and has said repeatedly that he will? Don’t worry my lion, I will kill them all through sheer wishful thinking and my collection of floaty dresses. And if he does come for us? I will willfully misunderstand your attempts to save my life and sleep with your beloved papa. Because that’s how Shae rolls.

 

Stannis

I applaud the man’s appreciation of grammar, but COME ON. You have Davos on one hand, and a red witch on the other. It’s pretty obvious who you should be listening to. But no. You burn your own daughter alive on the advice of a lady in red .Not exactly majestic behaviour my liege, and your sorry end could have been avoided had you applied your not inconsiderable intelligence to matters of life and death instead of semantics. Just a suggestion

The Sand Snakes

I am including Ellaria in this, because lets face it with their lack of characterisation in the series they are all pretty interchangable. in the books these women are enigmatic ninjas. In the show they are foolish b-movie porno wannabes. Thank the lord Olenna showed up to get them in line. Oh and killing Oberyn’s brother because he didn’t wanted to slaughter an innocent girl? Waaaaaay too far guys. Not cool.

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Olly

What the hell Olly?! Your family is killed so you turn on the man who took you in and tried to make peace in the land? No child was ever so hated. By the old gods and the new, your ending was deserved.

Loras Tyrell

Apparently all the Tyrell brains go to the women of the clan. Margaery becomes Queen and warns brother to be more subtle in his illicit trysts but no, he plays right into Cersei’s hands. Without his weapons the captive knight of the flowers is merely a wilted rose for Margaery to tiredly rescue from the Sparrow’s clutches even as she too is in the talons of the faith militant due to his failure to heed her warnings. Not the brightest torch in the castle then.

The Waif

What in seven hells is her problem? From the very first she marks Arya as a target, waxing lyrical on how a girl is not up to the challenge. Then she giddily rushes off to assassinate her rival, whom she had been PROMISED she could kill, meaning she has asked in advance for this extra special treat? A girl is not amused.


Tommen

The boy’s lack of spine is infuriating. He won’t stand up to anyone. Not even a crown upon his his little head gives him the power to rescue his beloved wife, or to stand up to his own mother, or even to stand up FOR his mother after mr faith militant himself parades her naked through the streets! As a king the boy wonder is dead flop (pun intended – too soon?). Margaery has more gumption in her little finger.

Bran

Hold the door

Hold it yourself you disobedient entitled lordling *sob*

Technically a hero of the piece, so this choice is perhaps controversial, but hear me out. If he hadn’t climbed the wall against his mum’s wishes he wouldn’t have fallen. If he hadn’t sent Rickon away he might have lived. If he hadn’t disobeyed the three eyed raven then his most loyal protectors, Summer and Hodor, would still be growling and Hodoring respectively.  In fact Hodor would have retained all his marbles and still be named Willis. FOR SHAME BRAN.


Here ends the official record of ye moste irritating inhabitants of yonder seven kingdoms.

Valar Morghulis. All men must die, but some deserve their fate more than others.